i miss

i have a lot of stuff happening (as usual), somehow i always end up coming back at this, and i don't know what sucks more to be honest.

i miss this odd but so familiar feeling.

probably because i'm so scared of being fine.

which is an odd and stupid thing to say because why would you be scared of something you've always wanted? but i can't seem to comprehend my own self so why bother question that.

i wish i wasnt me

i'm an exception, and it's hard to accept.

it's not the kind funny cute little one

it's the one you want to cry but dont even do it because it doesnt matter what you do you'll always be the same kind.

i try to be happy, but then i forget. i smile and chuckle and giggle, and "woah maybe i'm paranoid" and then cry and tears and scream from the outside to the inside, and "wow i'm never getting better"

i'm never getting better.

i have so much things that i want them to happen, tho it doesnt mean they'll do. 

maybe in some years i'll look back and pitty myself, or maybe i won't even be here at all.

i forgot i was trying to be happy again, for the 8648th time. 

did that make you bored? oh.

and what's that little smile? yeah.

why do you keep looking at me? 

you like me? why would you?

i'm a chemical odd.

a fuck up. the one that'll never get better because he's too scared of it. 

the one that's happy when suffer and pain is involved, because they'll finally feel something, finally feel.

pff. is this hell? is this what i deserve? after everything? is this my mind playing tricks? am i so sick? am i sick? is this what they meant? is this what i deserve?

Jesus. they never warned me.

God. they never told me. 

i emptied my mind but it keeps coming back, and he keeps coming back and i'm scared and wonderless as always and i might use the bullet. because i miss that. 

three more quarters and it'll be gone. 

one more puff and it'll be gone.

an inch more and it'll be gone.

am i the dust? 

i lost my taste again, is that why you washed me out? is that why this is happening?

i'm afraid it'll always come back. and i know it will.

i'm afraid i'll make it happen again.

i'm afraid this is too long for anyone to care, but maybe, just maybe, you and I could talk a little, you and i would make great great things. maybe i can finally be less of a fuck up with you. 

with you..

October 2025