old spacehey post
its summer, back where it all started, the lonely type of summer, the type where I wont leave my room for days, piss in bottles, and dodge soap, all while getting fat, playing video games, and jerking off, why?
its not like I want to, but how do I change? Do I want to change?
yk I don't even like the games I play I just play them because I like winning and I'm already good at them so I don't bother to play other ones
suicidal thoughts are back again all the meanwhile so yeah its been great, yeah... something like that. ughhh I so wish I had a 16 yo girl form Argentina to soothe my pain🫣
why am I going through all this again? who am I doing it for?
you think this is a joke huh? You think I don't have the balls to end my life? you dare pity me scum?
I think lobotomys were made for people like me, like how tf do I get that voice in my head to shut up? and no I wont get therapy, I don't want them to look down at me, or to look at me at all, they wouldn't understand, I'm not crazy right? you believe me right? that there really is a separate voice in my head telling me to kill myself? who cares. No friends either, I cant trust them, the last one I talked to put me in the hospital, which yes technically saved my life, but at what cost? I mean the big thing I had going for me after gao left was the date that I had planed for like however many months but being in the hospital was just like hiding in the bomb shelter waiting for the nightmare to end. The war still rages on and nothing happens, there was no romanticism in any of it, no bond between young teens trying to make sense of the world, though I suppose that much is unrealistic seeing as he can talk to people just fine without acting, he could never understand what my head sounds like.
so for now I'll have to make like yuu from charlotte and just make do with the flashcards in my pocket, questioning my morality all the while, slapping my head, tearing my skin off, trying not to give in to the dark corner in my room
and I do start talking in past tense again that'l just be better for everyone, is it more selfish to live or to die I wonder? if I kill myself tomorrow is it proving them right, or wrong? who is them?
I want to do more but depression makes it hard to do anything, or is it depression or am I just lazy and blaming my depression and not actually trying, but not actually trying is the depression right? or am I just pitying myself while not trying because I think the outcome of nothing happening is fixed so I fail to try, but that would loop back to depression would it not? I'll need to pump iron to test this theory and to avoid muscle atrophy
this is what my head sounds like 24/7 when Im not doing brain numbing things, and no I did not write that for the purpose of an example
I haven't journaled in a while so this is good start, I could just leave all the bedrotting for the first week of summer, orrrrrr I can procrastinate when I will actually "lock in" and tell myself one more week until 2 months go by
its a shame having no one and nothing to live for. live for myself you say? well too bad I can go fuck myself, and don't you dare read this whole thing looking for "solutions"my prideful heart wont let me get therapy so it wont look for pity either, I don't need no friends, wait so why am I living again? I'm not that afraid to die, I'm more afraid to miss out on all the manga and anime I haven't consumed yet, I love romance and to be frank that's whats keeping me going. ah would you look at that, I actually answered my question, 5,000 more to go hee hee
speaking of romance I'm not sure what to think of it yet, I still want to have sex, but on the topic of like connection and like a girlfriend or something ofc I want to have something like that but I'm not sure that I can open up or even like people to that level. I can barely stand peoples flaws as is and I cant love someone so I'm not sure I can like like them, though I suppose that depends on the girl right? though its been a while since I've found someone genuinely attractive and not just sexually, so why do I want a girlfriend? and is it even girlfriend? I'm not entirely sure on my sexuality either. I still masturbate and such, but I prefer beauty in a bottle and looking at things from a general standpoint rather than what I actually think about what I'm choking the chicken to
so for now id rather just look at cute things with a big smile on my face and saw "kawaiiiiiiiii" while not touching
godamn I hate this... why is my life so complicated? this is all just one personality too, I could write this again with a totally different standpoint and I wouldn't even be lying because I cant decide what to think and what to believe.
humans crave stability right? so just imagine how uncomfortable I feel every second. i cant trust anyone and not even myself.
it would be easy if the problem was just that I was in my room too long, but my problems also lie in if I want change, do I even want to lead a better life? do I even want to overcome suicide? why does doing the wrong thing feel so good?
on may 29th I suspected that I wouldn't be able to die because my suicide was relying on several different factors all relating to the date but now I'm not so sure, not by a whole lot but the voice in my head doesn't make it easy to say I wont die with confidence
ofc all this only happens when I'm alone and during summer that's all there is so wish me luck or please save me, either or I suppose
oh and its 2:30 am so I guess it was technically yesterday but happy birthday komachi panko tuned in for the stream and saw her face in a reflection so that was kool, don't bother looking for it tho it was wiped in the vod(I looked😿)
actually I forgot to do a checkup so I'll do it now, Im this close to catching up with frierens manga and its so good I'm wondering why I ever wasted my time with Tokyo ghoul. I'm also watching the warrior princess and the barbarian king and its good but idk I'm getting tired of crystal helmet screaming everytime anyone does anything and also please just get married already and also he's 18???, I'm missing being able to binge read spyxfamily...and also I HAVE to read re:zero I'm sick of larping, but I also want to read Kobayashi san's dragon maids' manga to finish the series because I want to see tohru and kobayashi get married already ugh real world problems
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