a (few) word(s) on illi mcmillin

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"you like d&d, audrey hepburn, fangoria, harry houdini, and croquet. you can’t swim, you can’t dance, and you don’t know karate. face it, you’re never gonna make it."

"i don't want to make it. i just wanna..."
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hey, so y'know how i started off this entry with two quotes surrounded by a pretty border? yeah, that was for a reason. this one's pretty important to me, so i'm putting the time in to make it look nice.

today's subject is illi mcmillin. i'll get into who she is in a second, but before i do, i'd like to mention that i started writing all this at around 6:30 in the morning. i woke up like two hours ago, and illi's been on my mind ever since. maybe the sudden fascination by her only exists because of the time and my feelings being all wonky, i don't know, but i HAVE to get my thoughts out somewhere. grammatical or any other nonsensical errors might spring up throughout this thing, sorry.

OKAY, ENOUGH YAPPING, TIME FOR... MORE YAPPING!! ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-

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so, who's illi mcmillin?

to answer this question, we need to refer to the i'm not okay (i promise) music video, produced for the band my chemical romance.

my chem needs no introduction. in my opinion, they're one of the most popular emo/pop punk bands of all time. i doubt you guys need an explanation of who they are, since i'm assuming most of you have at least heard of them, so we'll just move along to the video.

back in 2004, the band debuted three cheers for sweet revenge, their second studio album. i'm not okay (i promise) was the first out of three singles to be turned into a promotional music video, and was broadcasted on MTV2 and MTVU later that same year. 

in the music video, the band members were thrown into a high school setting. one scene depicted frontman gerard way receiving a graded paper, with the name illi mcmillin being printed at the top instead of his own. originally, this was a reference to the prop director, but fans confused it as a "high school girl" persona before that was revealed. gerard way's appearance in the music video would be combined with this name regardless, creating a fanon character that would soon separate herself from the actual artist.

fanworks typically portray illi as the weird girl/high school outcast, who shares the interests you saw in the quote at the beginning of this post. popular headcanons include her being transfeminine or shipped with guitarist frank iero's fanon character, occasionally dubbed as warren. her personality is similar to that of gerard, as he was illi's original inspiration, but their likeness can vary depending on the fan.

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so, why do you like illi mcmillin?

the short answer? i see a lot of her in myself. 

the long answer? illi is simultaneously who i was and who i wanted to be while i was in middle/high school.

as you could imagine, i was unpopular in school. neurodivergency and being openly pansexual caused me to stand out like a sore thumb. i had a bunch of interests with no one to relate to them, and i struggled to determine what i'd do with my life after graduation. mcmillin shares these attributes with me; however, there is one glaring difference between her and i. 

in most fanworks, illi wears her weird girl badge proudly, or at the very least learns to. i never did, and that's why i aspire to be like her. most of the fandom depicts her as a carefree/laidback individual who's dedicated to her passions. it's not like she's perfect— some fans give her personal trauma that impacts her emotions and relationships. but does that make me admire her any less? no way. she shares my flaws, but carries it in a more charming and likable manner. illi's practically a cooler and prettier version of me, someone i would've looked up to in grade school. and despite her loose interpretation throughout the fandom, i can picture who she is as a character very clearly in my head. 

my projection onto/association with illi isn't me trying to intentionally cram parts of myself into a fanon persona made by the my chemical romance fandom, i promise. i would never shun somebody who sees her differently than i do, and oftentimes, i enjoy seeing the various ways people assemble her character. in fact, most of my headcanons for illi aren't even my own personal attributes. i just enjoy relating to her, like a lot. it just sort of came to me that some of my traits are very... illi-like, y'know? my casual writing style, for example, is something i see her adopting. same with my loyalty, occasional mood swings and lack of interest in sports. it's less of turning her into me and more of me wanting to become her. i got so excited to relate to a character, that i just point at her and go all like, "that is SO me!" does that even make sense? hell if i know, i'm tired as shit ꉂ(˵˃ ᗜ ˂˵)

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stop starting each section with that corny ass "so," just give us a rundown of your headcanons already!

welllll, since you asked so nicely... ˙𐃷˙

• illi's a senior at a private high school (17 years old)
• bisexual trans girl, she/they pronouns
• her brother is fully supportive, her mother is confused but doesn't go out of her way to disrespect her, her father's out of the picture and has been for years
• has (undiagnosed) depression
• generally a good person, but carries a mischievous reputation at school
• often seen as annoying or weird by peers who aren't her friends
• positive traits: loyal, creative, caring, authentic
• negative traits: impulsive, bothersome, occasionally moody without reason
• romantically interested in two of her friends, and has many celebrity crushes (mostly female actors or male musicians)
• has no interest in any sport aside from croquet, which she is still terrible at
• made a "creative writing club" just to borrow a room for band practice after school (everyone including staff knows, they just don't care enough to stop them)
• would've been an a-b honor roll student if it weren't for her math class
• was sent to detention once for getting into a physical fight with transphobic upperclassmen her junior year
• collects posters, fangoria magazines and cds
• hogs the family computer to edit her geocities site, burn discs and use AOL/AIM/myspace
• makes vlogs and poor quality music videos with her friends using a camcorder
• has an aunt named helena who she inherited a dress from after her passing (the same black and red one seen in the helena music video)
• attracts the paranormal, especially the ghosts of murder victims
• practices divination through tarot and ouija boards

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there's like a crap ton more headcanons i can probably come up with on the fly, but those are some of my favorites. hope you enjoyed reading through my ramblings! maybe you could check out some inok (i'm not okay) universe fanworks some of the my chem fans have made? i recommend searching through tumblr, there's plenty of it there.

to unceremoniously close out this entry, i leave you all with this parting advice: if you wake up at four in the morning with a fictional character on the brain, go back to sleep before you end up doing something like this. BYE!!!! <333

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