A Series of Complaints. Volume 1. Part 8.

     ≽(•⩊ •マ≼Complaint number one. I hate when there’s some information you’re trying to figure out, and then it just kind of dissipates. When I was a kid, people were really concerned about spontaneous human combustion. There were all these stories about people just catching on fire. Somebody would walk into a room, and there’d be a pile of ash where a guy used to be. For no apparent reason. Dude, whatever happened to that?
     You can’t just tell a kid that people randomly burst into flames and then never follow up. Everybody just moved on.
     ≽(•⩊ •マ≼Complaint number two. Time travelers. They could be here already. If I believed in time travel, I’d think you’d come back and keep it down low. Why tell anybody? Maybe you would. I don’t know your business.
     A guy once told me that as soon as you build a time portal, something’s going to walk through it. I said, “Something’s going to walk through this portal?” He said, “Yeah. If you build it.” Dude. That seems like something you ought to mention before construction.
So maybe there aren’t any time travelers because nobody’s built the device yet. Or they’re hiding. Or you just can’t do it. I don’t think you can. I don’t think it works that way.
And what about the Earth spinning? At the equator, the surface is moving more than a thousand miles an hour. You vanish, some time passes, and then you come back. Are you coming back with the Earth? Has somebody arranged that? Because if you haven’t accounted for where everything went, you could be in the ocean. Another continent.
     ≽(•⩊ •マ≼Complaint number three. When somebody’s mad at you for doing the thing that makes the thing they want possible. They want a certain result, but getting there requires something they think is completely ridiculous. “Why are you doing that?” Because you want this other thing to happen. “But that has nothing to do with it.” Dude. It does. And this you can't say under any circumstance.
    It’s so much sometimes. Just enough to make you give up and say, let’s go get some chimichangas. Maybe a Coke Zero. Maybe a regular Coke. Maybe a tea. Some chips. We can probably get some chips.