Being Aroace isnt fun

when i first came out to my friends as aroace, the response that i got from one of them (whom im no longer friends with) was, "OMG I LOVE ASEXUAL PEOPLE BEING ASEXUAL WAS SO FUN WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS". at the time i felt accepted, but looking back on it, that comment she made was so... dismissive towards me. being aroace isnt a choice, its not fun being incapable of loving when everyone around you is growing up, moving on, having crushes, falling in love, and you're stuck here wondering "what wrong with them, why would anyone ever want that?" or "what wrong with me, why am i incapable of wanting that?". especially being in high school. prom is coming, everyone is going to parties, everyone is hooking up, and everyone is in relationships. when im with a group of people and the topic of relationships and partners comes up, i feel so... awkward. i feel like im seperate from the conversation and everyone is staring at me waiting for me to contribute something to the conversation. why can't i have a crush like everyone else? why do i have to be a weirdo who just can't love? these are the thoughts that constantly run through my mind, not, "man this sure is fun, look at these happy losers in relationships. i would never waste my time with that". i know love is fun, i know that excitement of catching a glance of that special person, or getting to spend time with them and feeling something, but i. just. cant. two weeks ago a friend of mine was talking to me when she caught up to me in the morning. the past weekend she had went to this overnight camp and was telling me about a boy that she met and fell in love with, and she described it as something more special than any other crush shes ever had. she was so excited and smiling the whole time she talked about him and every interaction they had. she asked me "yknow that feeling when your crush enters the room and your whole body gets weak?", or some kind of question along the lines of that. and what did me, a closeted aroace person say? "eeeeehhh......y-yeah... yeah kinda. yeah." i hate when people talk to me about their crushes or boyfriends or girlfriends or who they're gonna confess to, because i am seething with jealousy at the mere fact that you are even capable of feeling that kind of joy. 

as an aroace person, i constantly feel like im missing out. its not fun, its lonely and im jealous of everyone who has a crush.