College Alt Diaries Ep 2: Sophomore year shit show

Dear diary a day or two ago I left a toxic relationship. It literally sucked the life out of me. When I was with this person They made me feel like an object vs a person. It was very dehumanizing. When we broke up and I slept with someone else after I told her and she said, "You're mine, you belong to me, this isn't happening again." it took me finally saying "I can't promise you that". for her to let me go. 

I met this girl through Instagram threads about a year ago and we would send each other reels and respond to each other's insta stories. Then we started talking and eventually got together over the summer which led to a toxic on and off cycle. 

there was a lot on both sides I'm not proud of, Like I did most of the leaving because I felt like I was constantly having my boundaries invaded and then she would say she'd fix it but ultimately, I got pressured into old behaviors again. 

we are both heavily active in kink spaces, but she doesn't know when to stop. like she constantly feels the need to be kinky even after every conversation we had. I have been in enough of these kinds of relationships to know better which is the main reason I truly ended things. 

Now I know I probably don't need relationships unless it's with someone who truly loves me. Is there anyone like that who exist though? someone to listen about my day and little interest and note them down and take care of me. I work so hard just to take care of not just myself but the people around me. Sometimes I feel like nobody is truly there watching over me.

Is there someone out there who will protect and cherish my heart? is there someone who will not only work towards their dreams but support mine at the same time? I want the passion, the romance, the flowers. I want all of it and I have never gotten that... and I don't want to beg anyone for it. 

Most days I truly believe there is nobody out there who would pick me in a room full of people and I feel extremely sad and lonely. Like I'm stranded on an island.  I feel like I really try my best every relationship, but I don't think I have ever dated someone who has loved me beyond my body. I just want someone to caress and warm my soul and make music with my breath while pouring honey into my mouth. 

I am trying to hold out hope!! Not to mention this who relationship has completely destroyed my mental health. I am sorry for the vent though.

does anyone have any advice on how to move on from this? I don't even really want a relationship rn I just want to fall in love with myself first.