coming out to cisgender people (NOT RECOMENDED PRACTICE WEEOOWEEOO)

ok obviously i am kidding in le title. but i hate hate getting the courage to talk about how i AM transgender and coming to terms with it HAS made me extremely depressed and a bit suicidal and i am very emotional and i expect to get some form of relief from it but...no i still feel awful lol. like i always think i'll start feeling better once i tell particular people but when i plan it out so meticulously or make it a huge emotional thing where im crying n shit i feel even worse than before.

and im sure this feeling isnt exclusive to cis people, ive only come out to cis people irl so what can i say. but i came out to my friend and i was crying and i was talking about how being stuck between identities made me wanna die and how trapped i felt etc... i was trying to relate to her struggles with her sexuality.... but she said "oh im cis so i could never understand what you're going through"...... i mean yeah......but like....u could listen....... she was being very comforting and stuff but it was annoying i dont know why 

me: im just sick of feeling, like, the worst

her: omg nonono ur nt the worst ur so amazing ogkggg

me: ...no like... as in being so miserable all the time

like sometimes i hate hearing people's "advice" or whatever they call it. like i appreciate the thought behind trying to help but i feel awful no matter what and im so stuck in my head and self aware and overthinking, i already know how to change... i need help actually doing it.... and i felt so cut off by her just writing off how i feel about myself as something she will never begin to understand. do people not realize how even MORE trapping that is than staying closeted??? dont you want to TRY to understand by listening to me?? i know it might hurt as my friend to hear me feel so negatively about myself, and you may want to fix it and stuff but you can help "fix" me by fucking listening and not making me feel like an otherworldly being that "normal" people can't begin to fathom the existence of. (i know cispeople shouldnt be the standard but as long as gender is structured the way it is in society in such a binary way they will always be the blueprint) 

i know people cant always say the right thing. they dont know their sickeningly positive response makes me want to choke myself out in anger but it still annoys me to hell and back or i just feel nothing.... i dont know. i guess i see my transness as a negative thing that brings nothing but misery. which i want to change. looking back, im focusing on the "negative" aspects of people's reactions way more than the positive. im super grateful for having supportive people in my life theres just a constant thingy in my brain that makes everything sad 

funny thing. i know im a goodperson, im very capable of hapiness, im relatively attractive, i have a good personality and cool interests and hobbies. so why dont i act like it?

anywayy ugh i dont know i feel like it sets me back a lot hearing peoples reactions, i like springing it on them randomly in conversation so they can process it in their heads before they say anything annoying. i need to come out to some trans friends soon ive been procrastinating all fucking year man. #community#mycomrades #garysmithifhewasatranny