DPDR

    I've been having consistent derealization for the past years I want to say before I got into high school? I struggle to identify it as such due to how consistent it is and trying to articulate it always has it feel odd. Especially so since experiences with it are naturally going to depend on person to person as any disorder. But it just feels so odd to try and read or see other accounts of it. I think also the fact that sometimes general statements like looking through a TV are so vague. Yowch...

    I normally try to scrounge around on already made reddit posts or other forum sites but then I realized hey, this place exists so I can directly ask for input. If there are any other experiences with DPDR (Depersonalization Derealization Disorder I don't feel like writing all that out all the time forgive me) and you come across this feel free to share and compare!

    The manner in which I end up experiencing it is that there is a constant level of 'distance' from when I look at what is in front of me and what I actually fully experience as 'aware' or 'present'. It is the same sensation of looking from another room and knowing what is going on through the open doorway and able to move or communicate, yet still being disconnected. Another sensation is as if there was a pervasive noise filter through everything. Not quite literally visually fuzzy, but an ever so faint wall that is in the middle of what is in front and what is actually existing. I know logically what things are but I don't feel much joy or process it a lot unless I take a long moment to slow down and go through it step by step mentally whatever it is. There are small brief moments where everything seems snapped into place and present, but it also fades rather quickly to the foggy screen like sensation once again. 

This is random by the way. Really random. I'll just be sitting down and eating eggs and the most transcendent moment will happen and it'll be during eggs. Or in the bathroom. Or just when I'm doom scrolling. Come ON MAN FOR THIS WHYWHYWHY WHY NOT FOR A SUNSET OR A WALK PLEASE !!! 

    It's an ever present barrier that has the knowing of a book or a hand or a keyboard, yet if I think about it and go "Does this Feel like a keyboard?" the answer will be "I don't know, I don't think so, but it IS a keyboard," or if I think about it more just a flat No. If spending time with the cats outside I'll see them move and know they're moving, but unless there is an intense surge of an emotion that makes it less foggy I don't really get to Be with them (even w high positive emotions nothing really breaks through the fog unless it idk... rewires my brain chemistry by how seen I felt for just a moment). It's such a pain in the ass.

     I am getting on more New Meds again so hopefully these work this time to also help with the DR instead of causing internal bleeding or me being allergic LOOL I'll write a different blog post on that whole thing later. 

    I do have depersonalization episodes, but they're more short than the years long experience of whatever the fuck decided to just not want to cooperate inside my brain LOL. They don't happen as often as well. Most triggers for it end up being when moments of intense, high stress and dread about the future or about my own identity come up. That or a delayed reaction to an intense emotional event or just a meltdown. lol 'just'. okay bro

    It gets to be particularly a pain in the ass when I'm attempting to just do anything at all, obviously. I feel so much more stupid. Which is fair considering my ability to process information or think is impacted. Also, the severe depression aspect doesn't help out at ALL. Yada yada numbed emotions also serving to impact memory as well. the hippocampus LHB in the brain whatever...... it's almost like some king of...illness...... we shoud call this mental illness. and make. medicine . to help the illnes. why didnt anyone think of this b4 . #hiremepleaseimdesperate