04 : the all consuming nothingness

hello! its nearly the new day for me, but i have a few thoughts rolling around in my head 🔩

current feeling: nothingness!

in the past few months, ive realized i have an... absence of feelings towards a lot of things. my apathy is at an all time high. im not incapable of feeling, but ive had a lot of days or periods of time where its very hard to care much at all about anything. thank you depressive disorder...! i don't believe this nothingness is inherently bad. sometimes its good for me to not care so much about things - random nonsense online, friend group drama, stress of life... things that id usually dwell on for far too long, despite it being pointless or unhealthy.

my identity has also been influenced by this. for many years i believed i was male, and totally okay with it. this year, however, i began having doubts. ive always felt alienated by not wanting to be masculine - wherever i go, it kind of feels like theres a certain expectation for how your transition should go. you realize you arent cis, find a label that fits, start taking HRT, and socially transition until you're "passing". 

maybe its because of the various things wrong with my brain, but i've never fully understood passing. it's wrong to assume peoples gender based on presentation (or you should at least account for it), yet one of the big things people focus on with transitioning is passing. to me, all i can see it as is trying to appeal to cis people... look, i'm normal! you can't even tell!

really the last thing i want to do is appeal to people who will never understand me... to me, there isn't any point in trying to hide who i am. theres a difference between transitioning to your best self, and transitioning into someone that "fits in". trying to fit in is the much safer option these days, sadly. my point here though is that i've never fit in with the "common" view of what transitioning is.

i don't experience dysphoria... i like my body just fine, and i don't have any plans to medically transition - including HRT or anything of the sorts. currently i'm only out to a small few people offline, but i'm essentially cis to the people in my daily life. theres not any urge for me to come out. when people refer to me with the wrong name and such, it just feels as though theyre talking about a different person. when i move to live by myself (whenever that is), ill probably try to be more comfortable about this socially... but again - the great nothingness! dysphoria? well, i don't care. coming out? don't care. misgendering and deadnaming? oh well.

what most trans people are upset by, i can't bring myself to care for in my own journey. this "nothingness", as i've grown fond of calling it, takes up more areas of my life than i once thought.

gender? don't have one. what do i see in the mirror? nothing! i'm confused how my appearance could be "male" or "female". to me, it's just neutral. i understand femininity and masculinity, sure, but maybe i'm like 3 shades woker than most people and just don't connect that with gender anymore. because of all this, i really connect with objects and animals more than i do people.

animals have no sense of gender - its just impregnator VS impregnated. or... whatever other variables for asexual beings and such. objects don't have gender or sex either. i really identify with having no gender because you don't know of the concept/understand it. a fox can't understand human language, and thus it has no idea what our customs are. just like me fr.

with my diagnosis for (insert various medical stuff here) i feel like i pay more attention to these sort of things, and i'm now seeing just how much apathy and this big nothingness impact my life. i'm thankful this has been more of a freeing experience than one of misery. of course theres days where it bothers me, but i'm at peace with it overall. acknowledging it and not trying to force myself to be something i'm not has made this cat much happier and fulfilled.


do YOU feel the big nothingness? is apathy consuming your body and mind? me too! i hope we can all find a way to make peace with the big gaping wound that's been cut into our lives. talking about this is kind of like slapping a bandaid on it, right? i hope it's one of those hello kitty patterned ones. toodles!

A/N: this is a reupload of a blog from another site