School anxiety

I feel like the only reason I'm nervous to go back to school is a deep sense of inadequacy. I don't view myself as inadequate whatsoever, considering my accomplishments in college over the span of 2 years. But I feel like my brain is slowly forgetting things. I feel myself forgetting conversations, events, and even important dates that mean alot to me. I think it'll bleed into my schooling and keep my behind.

Usually to combat this anxiety, I read. Immersing myself in fiction so I don't have to feel bad about forgetting. Reading is my safe space. Or immortalizing my thoughts on the internet. The internet doesn't forget, but I do. The internet brings me peace, somewhat. It's a space for me to be myself with no limitations, somewhat. It brings me joy, and happiness talking to others, somewhat. The point of the somewhat there is that it never fills the void. It never does what I fully need it to do to restore my memory. The one thing I hold close and personal, in my fickle brain, I seem to have forgotten it. what a life am i right. XD

I can't remember my hobbies, parts of my life, snd even some old friends I used to have. I can't tell if it's compartmentalization to the max, or horrid short term memory loss. Either way, it sucks and I'm full of anxiety for the fall. 

I'm going into my 3rd year of college at 19, so I always feel behind, not ahead. I'm not some super genius, I just plan and play my cards right. But that also puts me a step ahead even when I'm not prepared for it. I get too in over my head, biting off more than I can chew and it fucks me. I'm scared that it'll hold me back from my career. 

Making friends has never been harder, and for some reason I feel like I'm a bad person. Like my actions subconsciously hurt people and id rather end something potentially good for myself than put my friends through that hurt, yet somehow I'm seen as a problem. With all of this anxiety in my life, I dont have time to deal with someone else's. it isn't fair, or kind, or nice. But you are who you surround yourself with. 

anyways thats my rant. thx 4 reading!