gender???????

sigh. so. like technically im transmasc

ive never rlly like the transMAN label and the thought of becoming a MAN and even the man label specifically is off putting to me. im masc aligned but mostly androgynous. voive face etc. i pretty much used tmasc label or never explicitly stated anything. though recently i made this friend and being around her...makes me feel...fem? ok record scratch what . . . ?

so after months of excruciating tweak sessions where i thought i liked her and and one gyaru(o) makeover i like? changed completely. i wanted to be cute but in a masc way and before i was even done with the makeup (keep in mind this is my first time doing makeup pls) i did my aegyo sal and i was actually cooking so hard. i just felt so cute???? like??? 

after that the next time i went shopping i picked up a few fem pieces but i havent had anything to that degree happen again yet HAHA

i settled on bigender right. i mostly masc front because it feels more comfortable. i dont say im trans i use he/him and all that but when i make friends with girls (VERY far and few in between) i find myself wanting to tell them like ohhh yeah i also use she/her sometimes hah.... and then im shot dead 72 times in yellowstone right

BUT the thing is. i only feel 100% comfy being that girl part of me when

1.) when im by myself and there are no male/masc(aligned) people to percieve me (kinda)

2.) when im around that one friend

also keep in mind i thought i felt this way bc i liked her very loud wrong buzzer

so for context i had a crush icon when joining this new server and i didnt have an online name i like at the moment so i used a strawberry icon because of crush. this is when i was hypermasc fronting bc?? idk so after getting more confortable i stop hyper mascmaxxing and chilled out. my name eventually just. became strawberry and theyd call me strawb and stuff like that and i actually liked it so much(^_^;)

i ended up feeling really cute with the cute nickname and strawberry motif that i leaned into it. at the same time i got really mizuki akiyama pilled right. so sje was my icon and banner and all that soi absolved myself of the he/him and leaned into the cute/pink/strawberry sort of theme. because i was so cute and pink this friend of mine would say things like girl this girl that and??? i liked it idk help so an i transneu?? help??? 

so yeah bigender??? i guess. however said friend is currently on a socmed hiatus and i havent spoke to her in a year #tweakinghelp

anyway my qpr coming soon when?