Just a little rant + Introduction

Hey, my name is Kaylyn and I live in New York. I am class of 2025. Music is pretty much the center of my entire life. I do like to game from time to time. I play Minecraft, Stardew Valley, Sims 4, and Roblox. 

This is actually my second time writing this post as my first one was stuck in my drafts and then never made it anywhere. Honestly, high school was a struggle and not one I'm particularly proud of, for reasons of choices and friends made. Ever since graduating high school, I feel sort of lost in the world. I am unemployed and not in college, mostly to avoid debt and then because I truly did not want to fall in the same hole my friends did in college. 

I know that my parents aren't happy with the current situation. Before I had so much excitement but recently I'm losing all of it. There is resentment between me and my father and the rest of his family. They don't want my sister and me around their children because my sister and I are both LGBTQ+, so we don't associate much. My mother is a caring mother and wants the best for her children, however I do understand when my mother is disappointed or pushing me to go out and find job and continue my life, etc. 

Job hunting has been difficult, as I've been applying for jobs for months now with no success and it's easy to feel like a failure to others. Being the oldest, there is definitely the expectation to be successful and I feel like I will never be good enough. 

In high school, I wasn't really allowed to be myself; sometimes I would have to fake confidence and be more outgoing than I truly was, and in some aspects even fake being a bad kid in terms of friends who were not very nice at all, however by the time junior year arrived I'd had enough of the social aspect and pulled away from everyone; except my one best friend whom was my rock of an anchor, the rest of the people I've tried to avoid for my own mental health. During high school I'd found out that I am asexual, picked up many unhealthy habits, like drinking and smoking, (which I'm still fighting with to be rid of) and that it is not easy to make and keep friends. I feel like I'm bothering people when I reach out and that i'm not worth anyone's time.

I have these constant thoughts that I'm disappointing my mother by not doing anything in my life when I'm supposed to be her oldest and her firstborn child who's supposed to be the role model to her other two kids, and a lot of times I can't get that thought out of my head. 

I won't get into any further depth about these thoughts in this first post but Thank you for reading this long of a post, hope I can write more again soon, hope that everyone had a great day.

Byeeeeeeeeee