It's Only Sex!!

Sal here. If you don't like explicit stuff, don't read this. As the title suggests, it's about sex. Have a nice day x

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As a lady lover, sex has always terrified me. What do you mean I have to open up completely and trust someone who could potentially hurt me? Guys are different - the one's I've been with I don't care about, and since I'm not attracted to them, it's a mutually transactional system. But girls? Terrifying.

I think about it all the time, what I would do, what I would say. But every time I get close to it happening, I freak out and make a scott pilgrim reference. Scott fuckin' Pilgrim. And I find it more terrifying in summer, because the sweltering Australian heat makes it impossible to cover my body the way I like, so I feel like a pig wearing human clothing.

Women are terrifying. They're pretty, they're beautiful, they're elegant, and they're completely out of reach. It's not simply the physicality I want with a lady, it's the emotional need. I can't exactly say "yeah it's just casual" when I want to crawl under your skin and live between your bones, cradling your heart. It's the connection I value, and it's the beauty in such an intimate act. But sure, friends with benefits.

I don't mean to shame people who participate in friends with benefits lifestyles, because that's simply stupid. Just because I personally don't like the experience, doesn't mean you can't do it. I've been in those situations with men, and after realising I was a lesbian, I saw the hollowness I personally felt in those agreements. This isn't to say that I believe in purity culture, because I very strongly don't. Purity culture can suck my clit.

There's a fear I feel when it comes to intimacy with women. Will you look at me and compare our bodies? Am I gross because of the stretch marks I have? Will you judge me for my desires and strange kinks? Am I too chubby for you? Will you judge me for my scars? Will you think I taste weird, or that I'm bad in bed (because I know I am)? Can I trust you? Honestly, can I trust you?

As a somewhat fresh lesbian, I still find myself participating in sexual activity with men. Is it habit? Maybe. But it's far from genuine attraction. It's an easy way to chase a feeling, to forget things for a short while. A nice distraction. And as much as I'm hopeless, I'm easy to bring to bed. It's the attention I crave from people, the idea that someone wants me, no matter how repulsed I am of them. I have no standards; I just want to be seen as something someone can be attracted to.

And that explains my horrible dating history, the numerous freaks and horrible people I've been with. I'm not sure where my attention seeking behaviour started, but I was a child who'd show her body on Omegle (willingly) for validation. Is that wrong and disgusting in retrospect, and does that make me a victim? I assume so, but the core issue is that I choose to do that, with no probing or outside influence. I'd get excited that I was being picked.

I think that makes me a whore, partnered with the countless people I've slept with for validation. I wish I could disappear into myself and halt this terrifying urge, but it's an intrinsic aspect of my perverted personality.

I'm obsessed and deranged, perverted and kinky, and thoroughly disgusting, and my self-awareness does not make it better, because of my lack of effort to change. I stare at women in low cut tops, and my mind spirals into fantasies I couldn't name outside of an explicit website, but underneath that urge is the need to be held, to be loved, to be savoured.

I'm a dumb bunny, in the worst way possible. But I'll keep that out of this profile, and I'll keep it PG here. I just wish I wasn't so perverted, so terrified of women I can barely keep a conversation with them. I need them, I want to be good, and I want to be underneath someone's skin, but it'll never happen. It's too complicated, too terrifying, and it makes my head spin.

But hey, it's only sex!!