A vent, of someone I care.

( A lil warning, I feel not aware of what i'm writing rn and it's worrying me. This contains lots of bad grammer , prb nonsense, a lot of inside thoughts, a very messy writing and- kinda slept so.Please if something is uncomfy tell me ).

I talk so much but I never get to find those words that could fit in all I feel. I want to be able to say it all, I would let my heart pour out if it means truly showing what I mean, want, what I love and I desire. I hate this, I feel too much and in the end of the day.. I don't actually show you how much I care because of how much space takes in my mouth, making my words just be sappy stuff I feel like mean nothing. I crave to show you how much I love you, touch you in the most pure way and just be able to show you how much of a genuine care I have for you. I wish I could just touch ur cheek, hug you, touch ur hair/to wash it, pat ur back, or hold you when you want or need to be held, ur dear eyes to look at them and just. Just want to be there when it all seems lost, I want to tell you everything is going to be fine even if they are not in the moment, I wish I could hug you for no reason. I want to be there for you how you have been with me, even In times I would never accept such, or when I get difficult with help. You have talked me thru it sometimes yk?


I can't help but feel wanted when I'm with you. You include me quite the much to when you play or in general- I really appreciate it. I don't know how you don't even get weird or embarrassed to say I'm ur partner- I guess I thought it will be normal or close to what others had. I'm just happy to be able to feel calm and widely say everytime that you are my dear without to worry.

I wonder how much of you I haven't seen, I like to see who you are. I like you. I like to know abt ur day, I like to know how you are, ur tastes, I like lots of things that I should shut-

I wonder how much more this will last, I'm scared, I'm scared that what If I can't keep up once school starts again. My time always shorts too much for the things I love even when I try to make time for them. I'm worried and I think too much about it daily and- I really don't want to think it. I want to just be here with you as long as we both can. We grow we move on. If you don't want this in some point? Please tell me, I will just let you go. I care about you too much to keep you in a relationship that you don't want anymore, can't hold. Or that causes you problems. Even if it aches my heart, I will let you go if that means for you to be happy, even if it means with another person too.

I trailed off.

I really like the fact that u are quite bold and direct about stuff, and more when people get you on ur nerves. I haven't really seen you hold and shut up about unrespectful comments like I do sometimes. I think of you of something worth treasuring and hear for everytime. Can't help but see you funny, sweet, bold, expressive in a point. And, this is a guilty like, but when the times- you got a biiiiiit protective? (If I could say it in a way??) Yeah- that is something I've never felt- It's nice, and a bit weird to me since I never really show that side of me even if It's present in a situation. 

Now when I look at the night sky, I quite think of you, and I wonder why I haven't seen it in such a long time.
It's a shame we are quite the long apart. I would like to really hug you quite the a long, even to sleep dang. Even tho i'm quite eeerrrrrr.....shy.................(???)  with my body too. yeah no- prb not the best idea.- I always laugh at the comment of being like a plushie, softc, clingiable, and comfy. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUt. I don't know how it would be for you- and I think I don't want to know either way- HAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Yeah no, what the fuck. 

Btw sing me like 5 more songs Jiji (jk / kinda)
For some reason your voice is, quite comforting to hear at. I wish I could do the same- but because of how BAD my vc is, how horrible I'm at English while speaking- that leds me to stutter the heck out of my words, In how nervous I get for some reason, and the fact I only would do so in a call, throws me off a window. SoooooOOOOOOOOoooooooOooOoo. I just really have to try, It wouldn't hurt..... that much. It's all excuses in how shy I feel about it, and I really hate saying shy abt this- god help me.

I'm hungry. And eepy. I'mma prb delete this in the morning or when I wake up. or idk. 

I. I really appreciate you so much, maybe I'm not that direct about it but god, you had helped me do much even if they look like tiny stuff. I really have to thank you for all and how you have been. Thank you for staying, thank you for letting me. I love you, and I'm happy you are here with me even if not directly. I don't have the words to say how much I'm grateful of you. I have so much more to say, even tho I just don't know how.

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New stuff

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This may be a bit different, since each paragraph is a different topic, so I'm sorry if it may confuse the lack of adjustment. 

I'm a very realistic person when it comes to stuff like this, I've never been able to form a sweet illusion of a life with someone. Not even something little, and I'm sorry... I want to, I want to be able to look into a future and just hope it will be there. But I know how impossible that could be, stuff may happen, we don't know how it will unroll.. I'm scared that this won't work.. I want it to . But to want it will not grant me it if I don't, if we don't work it. 

I would like to rant more, and so I would adore for you too. I don't usually do because I still have a lil fear in talking about myself or stuff that happen around my circle or in general that may be with me, even if I want to share who I am with you, because I really haven't let myself show you what else there is of me, and so I think of you. I want to see you, I want to judge that sweet mouth of yours, and complain of how much I adore this feeling. 

The fact that you let me ask ANYTHING in a serious level.. really strucked me. I don't care (I do care) if you had felt worse stuff.. I.. I couldn't possibly want you to get more hurt then what you have already gone thru.. I couldn't possibly ask you for something.. the only thing I could ask.. is for you to not give up on me so easily if something happen. The "anything" maked me feel like If I owned you, like a possession when you told me that. The fact that "anything" to you.. for me feels like that haunts me.. I couldn't possibly have you, I chose you. If you are mine I am yours. It will never only be on one side. Never. Even if It scares me to tell you the same. For an anything you may want of me, I could never just let you give yourself like that without a repay or being fair about it.

I hate being a very showing love with physical actions type of person. I've felt the need to be there, to want. But can't. Really aches my heart to not be able to be with you. 

Btw-... I'm sorry if I always daubt into joining you, I don't know why I just have always that lil fear of annoying or just not the rg moment- idk- I AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's 5am sorry if something here may upset you, or be weird, I promise I will sleep tomorrow on you, I love you baby.

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(I swear this one was horribly written, I was almost ded asleep while writing this.........)