ew feelings ew

sometimes it feels like everyone genuinely hates me... okay not EVERYONE but like. Most people yknow

just to the point where it feels like the world has me set up for failure or just everything miserable

i have a concert coming up this friday and i should be happy cause of it which.. i am! but im also super very really anxious about it ...  one of my best friends whos one of the people im going 2 the concert with hasnt been talking to me at all, err... ill just call them ray. like toro... they put on their story a while ago that they wouldnt be replying to messages and their brother accidentally said at school that they havent been going cause they were sad or something, and i dont want to make assumptions that its about me cuz not everything is abt me duh tch..... but i mean i feel like i make them upset, like a lot. obviouisly not intentional. they basically said themselves that a lot of the times we've had a talk about them being upset was just them being jealous or like being sad about "something not that serious". i wouldnt be surprised if i was the reason they became sad or whatever, if that was the case then i most likely have started it cause ive been untintentionally avoiding them too, sort of. they havent been talking to our other friends but apparently mikey is the only person they want to talk to and hang out with. theyre also matching pfps with rays brother (who mikey says she doesnt like at all) and some other guy that idk. ok

 to put it shortly ive just been hanging out with our 2 other friends rather than ray and my other best friend who i will call uhhhh mikey yeah, and thats mostly just cause ray and mikey became way more close as of lately and i guess it just feels like they just enjoy eachothers company way more yknow. theres been plenty of times where i would be hanging out with them and i would just feel like a spectator or like an outsider just observing their conversation. i guess thats sort of my fault, i COULD have just involved myself in their conversations, but whenever i do i just feel so out of place, yknow? like the moment was made just for them two and if i were to intervene it would just feel wrong cause i wasnt meant to be there. so yeah cause of that i subconsciously just sort of drifted away from them and started hanging out with my 2 other friends named uhhhhh frank and paul (who ray and mikey are also friends with) 

a while ago me and ray were messaging eachother after a while of not really talking a lot and mid conversation they slipped in a question where they asked if they had done something wrong or if i had just decided to hang out with a different group of people rather than them cause they had felt like the vibes between us were "off." in response, i had basically lied. well not lied i just left out some details. i just told them that i just decided to hangout a different group of people since i didnt really get a lot of chances to hang out with frank and paul alone without ray and mikey being there and i wanted them to feel like they were one of my main friends too rather than just being a mutual friend. recently frank paul and i started a band which ray also mentioned, i could tell that they were jealous but they were just trying to be nonch about it. i couldve told ray the truth, like how i had been subconsciously intentionally leaving myself out whenever im with ray and mikey cause my presence is basically useless when im with them and cause i feel like they dont really enjoy my company compared to when theyre around eachother, but i didnt. i dont know why. i had a moment for a bit where i was just like, "i can just not tell them how i feel and they will never know and i could just never tell them how im upset because even though they say that im their number one person and that im their best friend it doesnt feel like they even want me around." which... dont do that. dont be like me and be dishonest and secretive about your feelings. communication is key, i tell everyone, but of course im not gonna apply the same morals to myself.

 theres a chance that if i had just been honest about how i felt when we had that conversation i would still be talking to ray normally now. but were not. and were supposed to be going to 2 concerts together in the following week and i dont even know if things will be normal by the time that happens. we were also supposed to be sleeping over together at our one friends house who were going to see ashnikko with, but i dont even know if thats still happening because they havent been talking to me. and it would totally be so awkward if it was just me sleeping over at our friends house cause im not as close with them like how ray is. and on top of that, i havent even made my concert outfits yet!! FOR BOTH CONCERTS. IM SO FUCKING COOKED.

on another blog i mentioned that i asked mikey to sleepover at friday which she said she couldnt and i immediately felt so embarrassed and ashamed and wanted to kms. she said she could on monday, which is tomorrow, which she will still be doing except she cant sleepover cause of like reasons. i feel bad. like for her. im not a fun person to hang out with when its just us two especially at my own house cause theres nothing cool to do here. hell its not even my house its my moms bfs. it just feels like im forcing and begging her to hang out with me when she doesnt want to (even tho i know she said she would herself...) uuufguigifdgfgfh i shouldve just told her that she doesnt have to what if she has like the worse and boring time of her life when she could be hanging out with ray and actually have fun  whatevr...

anyways...thats it. this is so cringe and i apologize to whoever is reading this. which probably wont be anyone except for like illi or something. writing down things is so much easier on computer, and ive been writing all of my journal entries on paper for the past 2 years!!! its so tiring and i hate it!!! okay bye yes...i miss yuki and illi and i wish i had a boyfriend like frank and patrick so so so soos  bad FRANK AS IN IERO NOT MY FRIEND

oh and 2 nights in a row i had a dream where ray started talking to me again. its weird. makes me feel weird sad things and i hate it. i also messaged ray a few days ago just sayingthat i hope that theyre ok and that i dont expect them to reply since they said they wouldnt be replying to people. i think they want me dead. 

20/09/2026 9:27pm