gao

and everytime I think about it I want to die

I shove shit and vomit down my throat to distract myself from the taste, the regret, the hate, the love...

back when getting home was worth it just to talk with you, looking back on it though I probably was a fucking asshole, that's probably why you left

why couldn't it just be simple open and shut. You live>fuck up> then die

when I think about dying, for some reason I think that once its over I'll know what happened to you some way or another and maybe be with you

I hated to think about it but there's a good chance you're already dead. The one acc I had of yours is inactive but still i waited there for the day you'd come back 

I know I'm weird and I'm sorry for getting attached but it just felt so nice to have someone as fucked as me to talk to, to die with

I know I told you I led an average life with a few friends but tbh I think you were probably the only real one I had

sorry

I still can't really tell if it's my fault or yours

why do I do this? I was having such a great run then one thought of you crosses my mind and then I fuck up and my head starts to hang low with my eyes on the ground and my head in my ass

I mean maybe that's cause I never really got over it, I got thrown in a hospital before I had time to make a decision for myself, though it probably would've been the right one... plus I haven't been writing as much these days either besides from all the blogs that I lost

I'm really easy going and don't have much to lose, the first time someone meaningful in my life died was my aunts dog ziggy. I cried, but not over ziggy's death I thought that was because I had already been preparing myself for when he died and that tracks because you were so unexpected. I cried alot that day

so I've never really truly grieved, or   well   I have but I've never hit acceptance that I can be happy with, or is acceptance more about an answer instead of something to agree to?

usually I just play a song on loop while writing for an hour or two thus attaching the song to the event but idk I just thought of seeing you again for some reason and felt this wave of dread, sadness, regret, and all things unholy

writing this had helped me feel better but who's to say this wont happen again? I for one have a feeling that this is something I'll never truly get over

looped song in question\/

"helen"-wifiskeleton