gonna look for a CD diagnosis

Sometime later in the year/month I’m going to look into getting a diagnosis for Conduct Disorder. There are… a LOT of different things about my mind from delusions, impulses and hyperfixation to aggressive behaviour and crime-committing, but I’m hoping that in the end of it I’ll get a diagnosis for conduct disorder among some other things that could be co-morbid with it. 

I am kind of scared that I’ll end up just having audhd or something and be told ‘yeah you’re pretty much normal and there was no reason for you to be a totally toxic cunt to everyone and you don’t have any behavioural problems and fuck you’ but I also think it’ll be kind of impossible to not get diagnosed with CD. My age, my trauma, my relationships (past and present), my rule breaking and my lack of strong emotions all add up. This disorder may also be mutating into NPD/ASPD since CD can turn into other disorders, specifically ASPD, if not intervened with.

I guess I just want an explanation for myself and my behaviours, so I can stop hating on myself and so my family can stop hating on me for not being able to feel love/connection. It would be good to get a diagnosis even if my family would hate me for it. I guess the only 2 things that would stop me from getting diagnosed is my low, but still somewhat there, cognitive empathy, my guilt (I don’t know if what I feel is guilt or just me being disturbed by myself but it’s close enough) and the fact that I do kind of like supporting others when I feel as if they’re below me. But I kinda make up for that with my past, the way my 10yo self treated bugs, and my homicidal thoughts, yearning for harmful entertainment and my crime committing. It’ll also make it easier to diagnose me with NPD/ASPD/other disorders when I’m older if I get a CD diagnosis rn. I think I most likely am developing NPD as my sexual abuse has given me many narcissistic traits. Hopefully my parents don’t kill me for it. Okay bye