Goodbye Grandma

I recently re-read the comic Daredevil: Yellow because I was watching the original series again. It is specifically about Matt Murdock writing a posthumous letter to Karen Page to remember her. I do not know if I got the idea from subconsciously remembering the comic, but I kinda did the same thing today.

My grandmother and I were not very close, but I believe that out of respect for her as a person, whether the affection I had for her was much or little, she deserves some words and a moment from me. I sat at the table with a pen and notebook and started writing to her.

When I finished, I started to pray. My grandmother was religious so I figured I should. I think I had not prayed for almost a year, since a time I went through a situation that made me feel very bad and I prayed because I was afraid and anxious and wanted someone to help me protect my family.

So, today I stayed in silence for a few minutes and started praying for her. I asked that she be received  with open arms and that she reunites with her family. I also asked for forgiveness for the times I spoke about her as if she were an inconvenience and not a person, for not visiting her often, or for the times I was indifferent toward her. I do not necessarily feel guilt, but I still felt it was the right thing to do.

Maybe I did not have a very strong bond with her, but at the end of the day, she was my father’s mother. Out of respect for what her life was, which was 92 years here on Earth, a lot of time compared to the 22 years I have been here, I felt I should honor her memory. She raised my father and I exist because of her, she deserves a goodbye from me.

After a few minutes, I burned the letter, I've heard that's a thing people do. For a moment I considered asking if I could leave it with her, but I decided not to.

I wanted to leave this in writing because I feel that the way I have been expressing myself about this situation over the last few days has not been very serious. I think I need to have a moment of consideration and take things with more respect. It is not about exaggerating or forcing feelings I do not have, just about not letting it pass as if it were nothing, because it is not.

R.I.P.