Heaven's Gate

St. Peter: Next. 

Murderer: Hey, uh, so I, uh, murdered 17 people. 

St. Peter: 17, wow. That's quite a few. Yeah.

Murderer: Men, women, couple kids. I'm not proud of it. 

St. Peter: Well, that's terrible. Absolutely terrible. Did you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour? 

Murderer: Oh, absolutely. Right before they executed me. 

St. Peter: Wonderful. Welcome to heaven. Murderer: Seriously? Just. Just like that?

St. Peter: Just like that. Your sins have been washed away. 

Murderer: Even the kids? 

St. Peter: Especially the kids. I mean, yes, all of it. 

St. Peter: Next. 

Rapist: Um. I sexually assaulted dozens of women over the years.

St. Peter: Ugh, that's disgusting. 

Rapist: Yeah, but I found Jesus in prison. St. Peter: Oh, well, why didn't you lead with that? Come on in.

Rapist: What about my victims? 

St. Peter: Did they accept Jesus? 

Rapist: I don't know. 

St. Peter: Well, let's hope they did. Otherwise things could get a little awkward. 

St. Peter: Next. Ah, hi. Well, hello there, little one. How old are you? 

Child: 7. 

St. Peter:And how did you die? 

Child: Leukaemia.

St. Peter:Oh, that's heartbreaking. Now, did you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour? 

Child: Who's that? 

St. Peter:Oh, dear.

Child: Is he a doctor? 

St. Peter: No, he's a son of god. 

Child: Can he make me better? 

St. Peter: Well, not anymore, anyways. I'm afraid you don't qualify. 

Child: But I was good. I helped my mommy and shared my toys. 

St. Peter: Yes, but you didn't accept Jesus.

Child: Nobody told me about him. And that's why missionary work is so important. 

Next. 

Doctor: Hello. I spent 40 years providing free medical care to impoverished communities. I saved thousands of lives. St. Peter: Impressive.

Doctor: Thank you.

St. Peter: Accepted Jesus? 

Doctor: No, I'm an Atheist.

St. Peter: Ooh, that's unfortunate.

Doctor: What?

St. Peter: Yeah, you're going downstairs.

Doctor: I dedicated my entire life to helping people.

St. Peter: And you did a wonderful job.

Unfortunately, you didn't do the most important part.

Doctor: Which was?

St. Peter: Believing the right thing.

Doctor: The murderer who just walked in killed 17 people.

St. Peter: Yes, but he believed the right thing.

Doctor: So it's not about being good?

St. Peter: Oh, goodness, no. If being good were enough, why would we need Jesus?

Doctor: That's an excellent question.

St. Peter: Next.

Humanitarian: Hello. I fed starving children, built schools, rescued refugees and donated everything I own to charity.

St. Peter:Marvellous. And your religion? Humanitarian: Muslim.

St. Peter: Aah! So close.

Humanitarian: Close to what?

St. Peter: The correct religion.

Humanitarian: But we worship the same god.

St. Peter: Yes, but you got the wrong membership package.

Humanitarian: Membership package?

St. Peter: You need the Jesus Premium plan. You signed up for the Abrahamic Basic.

Humanitarian: So where am I going? Eternal torment for worshipping god?

St. Peter: Look, I don't make the rules. 

Next.

Atheist: Okay, I've been watching this whole thing and I have a question.

St. Peter: Of course

Atheist: a murderer gets heaven because he believes, and a rapist gets heaven because he believes. But a seven year old child goes to hell because he doesn't.

St. Peter: Correct.

Atheist: And an atheist who saved thousands of lives gets hell.

St. Peter: Right again.

Atheist: So Hitler could theoretically be in heaven if he sincerely repented and accepted Jesus right before dying under this admissions policy?

St. Peter: Absolutely.

Atheist: And Anne Frank, if she never accepted Jesus, could be in hell?

St. Peter: Well, technically.

Atheist: So you're telling me heaven has Higher standards for beliefs than behaviour. St. Peter: Hey, don't yell at me!

Take it up with management.

Atheist: Fine. I would love to.

St. Peter: God, we have another complaint.

God: What seems to be the problem?

Atheist: Your admissions policy makes absolutely no sense.

God: Aah! You're questioning my perfect justice?

Atheist: Yes. You let murderers and rapists into heaven, and you send good people and children to hell. Because salvation comes from faith, not works. Then why did you give us commandments?

God: To teach you right from wrong.

Atheist: But right and wrong don't determine where we go.

God: Correct.

Atheist: Then what's the point?

God: Peter? Is this one of those atheists? St. Peter:Yes, sir.

God: I thought so. Always asking questions.

Atheist: One more question.

God: Fine.

Atheist: If you knew before creating humanity that billions of people were gonna end up in hell simply for not believing in you, why did you create them?

God: Peter?

St. Peter: Yes, Lord.

God: Is the murderer still here?

St. Peter: Yes, Lord.

God: Could you bring him back? I'd rather talk to him.

St. Peter: Why?

God: Because at least he knows how to ask for forgiveness instead of asking difficult questions.

St. Peter: Sorry. Bye. 

Next. 

Hi.

Child: I'm 5.

St. Peter: Oh, for fuck's sake.