how does it make sense..

that if i was beat by my family why tf do i want and dream about having a bf that will beat me and why THEFUKdoes it make me happy thinking about it wtf how do i stop this like i really really want someone who would hurt me and likes being hurt as well but at the same i think about it properly and im tryna figure out WHY do i want that wtf. 

also i want them to do it in a way that they dont think they’re doing anything wrong like they think its normal for them iygm its sk hard to explain my exact type but yes