I genuinely cant get my ex gf out of my mind its torture

This is gonna be REALLY long so be warned,

So basically I have this ex gf, im gonna call her Lilly cuz thats her favorite flower. Anyway me and Lilly have dated a total of three times, the first two times she went to be with someone else and told me the vary last minute the first time and the second time when I asked she just completely ignored me. The THIRD time was because her parents were racist (im black and Hispanic and her parents dont like black people) so she thought it wasn't fair to me and she didn't want to get in trouble. I know what ur think... "Girl get the FUCK OVER THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE* like I know I know shhh😔😔 she told me the reason she left the first time was because she thought our relationship was "too good to be true" honestly all I heard was how amazing I was but ig a lil too good. She has had HORRIBLE relationships with girls in the past so she wanted to leave before anything bad happened and go be with another person. The second time was at a pool party and I left early to see a movie with my family and in her words she was put "under pressure" by one of my friends to date this girl we are gonna call F (BTW F is FtM so I will be referring to he/him pronouns but at the time he was a girl) and they ended up dating that same day and even kissed. This was the SAME DAY Lilly had given me gifts because I was moving and that was also supposed to be a party for me cuz again, I was moving. And like I said earlier I found out and texted Lilly and got no response. But I did break them up because I told F everything and I was worried about him at the time and he could move on cuz even he admitted that he just wanted someone to love him but there wasn't many strings attached cuz that day was literally the first time Lilly and F had ever met. Moving on to present day, we have barely texted each other and everything that has been happening in my life that I would usually go running to text her about has suddenly disappeared, as in I dont have the energy to tell her but at the same time I wanna talk to her so badly. I know it's probably just because im holding on to false hope at the fact that she told me despite everything she has always loved me and still wants me "it's just not the right time" but it's never the right time for her and it makes me want to cry because she has only been the person to say  stuff that makes me feel good and happy romantically and it's hard for me to just fall in love with someone so I just hold onto her praying it does work out in the future. Every time I even THINK about talking to another person or even mange to have someone interested in me I get this wave of guilt and end up feeling so uncomfortable cuz it makes me remember how much it hurt when Lilly was talking to other people so I stop. But them I keep thinking about me wasting my teenage years just because I was wasting time worrying about a person who won't even text me a simple "Hello". I get so scared at the thought of talking to someone else, even if it seems like im not worried (  example would be my last blog ) I feel so much pain and I over think everything like "what if im not even attracted to this person" "what if it ends up one sided" "what if Lilly does text and I just end up leaving this person" so I just stay alone cuz im a coward. Im too much of a coward to text her, im too much of a coward to just move on, and Im too much of a coward to talk to literally ANYBODY else because my heart has been loyal to her for so long. And I can't talk to her about this cuz im constantly worried about her already dealing with stuff in life and I dont wanna add onto that and make her more stressed out. And I dont wanna sound like a big fucking baby even though I kinda am. I cry at almost everything that goes wrong and im constantly clingy to people I really like. Thats another thing, I dont wanna come off as desperate and whiny so I just choose to suffer in my bed in the dark doomscrolling. I've been doomscrolling like my life depends on it cuz the one person I used to spend my day with is probably not even thinking about me and talking to other girls, she probably already has a new crush on a girl and isn't telling me because she knows I would make a big deal out of it even though we are broken up. I feel so pathetic..

Again I know this is long but if u read this far thank you for reading my rant, ik it's a LOT but it's definitely a lot more words in my head.