I H8 MY EX!! - sad n heavy, SORRY!

recently, i believed i met the love of my life. the funny thing is when i met him i didn't think it would go anywhere. then within the next week i was head over heels for him. he always made me feel pretty, special, important. he liked to ask questions about myself; he took a major liking to my tarot cards. he took care of me in a way no one else had before. quickly, though, he did a 180. he was so mean, inconsiderate, and selfish. only his feelings mattered. he kept promising to "change," be on the wagon long enough for me to get comfortable again then switch back. rinse and repeat. i don't know why i kept believing him when he said he was trying to change. i stayed with hope his potential would shine through. plans were made, weddings were talked about, rings were given. both of us desperately holding on to this relationship. WILLING it to work, persevere. i know love is work, but all i could wonder was if it was supposed to hurt more than feel good? why was he no longer the man i fell in love with? what did i do to change him? by the day, i was filled with more doubts than i could fend off. i felt a twist in my stomach, a heaviness in my chest, a thought blaring at me: "RUN!" i fought the feeling as long as i could, in hope it wasn't my intuition. the more the anxieties consumed me, eating at my desire for him, the more my grip loosened. i looked at this man and just knew he wasn't the person he claimed to be. even now after my rejection of reconciliation, he does anything he can to hurt me one. more. time. as if the time i devoted to him was not enough. nothing was ever enough. draining all my life source from me, making me physically ill. from the love of my life to a blood sucking leech. 

how i wish things were different. so badly i hope to wake up and find out this was just an ugly dream. that he really is my one true perfect lover. i ache for my ear to be pressed against his chest while his heartbeat sings me to sleep. no one will understand how bad i wanted this to work. so much so i let him suffocate me until i turned blue.

some say dreams are alternate universes, different story lines of your life playing out. maybe i can go to sleep and crossover to our happy ending.