(I hate religion so if you don’t like that don’t read)
Someone must have put an embarrassment curse on me or something because ‘bad guy who converts to Christianity’ is the worst trope ever and a cop-out. Good thing is, I’m not converting because I hate religion, and me having a weird liking towards religion despite that isn’t new at all.
I’ve always been kinda comforted by Christianity. Even if I never believed in God, or at least didn’t believe in him since I was 5, I guess I feel weirdly connected to it still. I don’t know if it’s Yaldabaoth calling me, or if I’m just comforted by it, or if I’m spiritually Christian or something but I do kinda like it. I went to a Christian club when I was younger, grew up in a semi-Christian school where Christians would come in to talk to us, we’d sing Christian songs and go to churches and stuff, but we didn’t pray. I also went to a Christian talk group once just to see what it’d be like and it was.. really nice, actually, even though I don’t think that religion should be the thing people connect over.
Over the past week Ive been thinking about Judas and Jesus and how I see myself in Judas. A lot. It comforted me, but in the same way relating to any character would comfort someone. I’m also angelkin so obviously Christianity is on my mind often, even if I don’t believe in it. I started thinking more about the aesthetic, the feel of being Christian, specifically the feeling of when I watched Angel Hare when I was 11-13 years old and listened to the religious songs from it.
And now.. I’m hyperfixated on Vittorino from 8:11. This started around an hour ago. Fuck. I don’t even know how he acts but I know he’s a priest or something like that and so all of these thoughts are crashing down on me even more. Just had to mention that. He’s the one who put the nail in the coffin for this specific interest of mine.
I couldn’t even bring myself to believe in god, but I think I love religious imagery so much that I’ve started to see the world through a religious lens. I hate that, I’m not a damn religious person, but that part of my brain that latches so tightly onto delusion really likes it. I think I like all of the symbolism, all of the ways you can describe things using the bible. The temptation to be a Christian eats at me like the fucking green goblin mask. Maybe I’ll let the part of my brain that holds all of the delusions turn into a crazy priest guy while the rest of me stays scientific. I want to wear rosaries and pray and claw at stained glass and blame god for everything but I know god isn’t real?? Like??
Don’t say that this is my soul trying to turn to god or whatever. I am the god of my world, I’ve proven that time and time again, and Christianity is fake, hypocritical, misogynist shit. My brain is just latching onto it for whatever reason right now. Maybe for childhood comfort, maybe for the aesthetics, maybe for all the classification and order and symbolism, maybe the power. I am priest oc number 204959305 now apparently
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alexanderspoison
seems you should distance yourself from christianity and similarly comforting religious things, lest you fall into a bad place and start to turn to it more, and then get attached. even if you say you dont believe in their god, if you take comfort in their scripture thats kind of just being a christian in its barest form, and you might internalize their beliefs. my bad if you didnt want advice or anything, just tryna help out a little. im also antitheistic and its kind of painful to see people turn to religion
I KNOWW I really don’t want to turn to religion I could never let myself do it. It’s genuinely such a horrid thing I hate how my brain is attached to it
I think I might think about it more since I do have a habit of getting attached to illogical ideas and comforts, let go of it for a moment, but Ive been thinking of enjoying Christianity in the same way some other people enjoy Greek mythology without actually being pagan/hellenistic. I think that’s the best way to go along with finding a way to deal with these attachments because they aren’t really healthy for me like at all. I’ve been an antitheist for so long it would be like I died and got replaced if I became a Christian.
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