I lowkey wanna transition

idk if this is something i'll regret posting later, but i lowkey wonder sometimes if i wanna transition.

the thing is... i don't even know if i could see myself as a guy because i'm lowkey feminine. i like cute things, i don't act like the typical masculine guy, and sometimes i feel like i'd never be "man enough" anyways. it makes me question if i'm just making everything up or if i'm just scared.

i think the scariest part isn't even transitioning itself. it's everyone else.

a lot of my friends are religious (muslims), and i'm terrified that if i ever came out or decided to transition, they'd slowly stop talking to me or just ghost me completely. i've already lost people before, and i don't think i could handle losing even more. the idea of people looking at me differently is honestly enough to make me stay quiet. I've realized i spent most of my life trying to fit everyone else's standards instead of being myself. i changed how i acted, hid my interests, and worried too much about fitting in. once i started hanging out with people who were considered "weird," i finally felt accepted without having to pretend. they helped me realize that being different isn't a bad thing, and for the first time, i feel like i'm actually discovering who i am instead of trying to be who everyone else wants me to be.

i'm actually in foster care now, and i'm genuinely happier than i was living with my parents. my social workers would probably support me if i wanted to explore this, so it's not even that i have nobody. but even with that support... i'm still scared.

i haven't even worked up the confidence to take off my hijab yet.

it's weird because i'm finally in a place where i have more freedom to figure myself out, but somehow i'm more afraid than ever. maybe because now the only thing stopping me isn't my parents, it's me. i just have the fear of being judged, the fear of making the wrong decision, and the fear of people not seeing me the same way anymore.

maybe i'll transition one day. maybe i won't. i honestly don't know.

right now i'm just trying to figure out who i am, and i wish that didn't feel so terrifying.