im evil af but morality isn’t real so.. idgaf

I am, by societal standards, not a good person at all. But I’m not a dirty government-lover nor capitalist, nor do I even LIKE others, so it’s fine!

While I am very good at other things — the arts, having wisdom, looking pretty, being inspiring, reading a lot, getting straight A’s, being an amazing conversationalist to name only a few — I am an absolutely horrific friend and family member. I’m trying to work on this but I cannot deny that I am a little bit.. not good.

I will lie to people if I think it’ll do them good, I can be (unintentionally) VERY manipulative, if you anger me or betray me, or if I feel like you have, I WILL try and insult you to get back at you. I’ve said terrible things to others just because I felt betrayed. I have selective empathy and mood swings so severe I can change from enraged to peaceful and happy in the span of minutes. I get angry too quickly, I cry too quickly, I’m unforgiving and spiteful and, if you know me, I’ve probably thought about terrible things involving you due to intrusive thoughts that I may or may not indulge in sometimes to feel better. 

I understand this is wrong. I understand that society works in a self-preservative manner, a group acts as one, and will kill the cancerous cell that is me. I don’t.. exactly care. I don’t like society, I see absolutely no worth in others so there’s no incentive for me to be good aside from the instincts I have.

I am trying to get better.. it’s not because I want to be good, or because I think anyone is important, I just.. do. It may be my fixation on ‘morality’ — something I have came to terms with the subjectivity of quite recently — that makes me want to be nice. I still care about what others think of me, I have thoughts of murdering people who try to ruin my reputation or bully me, though I’d never go through with them. I do still.. care. Probably due to the instinct to be liked, though it’s dulled. 

I don’t think I’ll ever be ‘good’ because I don’t want to be that. Why would I help you all? To be fair, some of you are nice. I might have to think about this more. I think I need to go to therapy and work through the extreme misanthropy I have due to my childhood trauma.

I punched my dad today and keep cursing at people so right now is definitely the best time to put a stop to my behaviour. I don’t like being seen as an immature, unintelligent, mean child, even if I know where my behaviours come from. My knuckles were bright red earlier due to punching walls and doors. Despite the fact I don’t want to be good, I hate the monster my anger and spite turns me to. It turns me into my father, and I know where the anger comes from. It comes from a feeling of smallness, of feeling people disapprove of me, or being harmed so much that I had to grow fangs. I hope I can keep being myself despite therapy. I feel at peace being a bad, or at least morally middling person. Because when I see the bedrock, it means that I can finally see the goodness of the light. As much as it burns my eyes, I want to get at least halfway to it before I face sweet death. 

I also know that morality is a concept that needs to be in place to keep society running rather than a real universal law (karma isn’t real!) so whatever. Who cares what you all think of my behaviours? I got them because of YOUR abuse. And I don’t like you either.