i’m one hell of a stereotype

i am.. definitely a stereotype of cluster b disorders, especially of NPD since that’s the one I’m developing and the one that’s hated on the most. I will talk about behaviours here that I wouldn’t want anyone to reproduce and I don’t want to glorify these actions. I am getting better, I just want to share my experiences. 

‘People with NPD are all abusers!’ … kind of. I have had a bad streak of hurting people in my past, how bad I hurt them mattering on their own mental state at the time; I never hurt people on purpose, or at least tried to hurt them very badly, but I have had many abusive behaviours — the main one being forgetting that I have to like people, and acting mean to them — that I’m currently working on. 

‘People with Cluster B disorders are all unpredictable criminals.’ yeah pretty much. I steal, I pirate, I have many thoughts about hurting people who have wronged me — some of them I do plan to commit to. I do bad things to entertain myself, like causing problems or hurting myself. 

‘Everyone with NPD/ASPD hurts people and can never change’ with where I’m at right now, yes. I’m not trying to change all that much. I’m trying to stop hurting people who I cognitively understand I should like, but I’m still being incredibly mean to my parents (who deserve it mind you) and I still have a lot of my old behaviours. I’ve been like this for so long that it feels like getting rid of a huge part of myself. I still have big mood and opinion swings, I still get really angry over things, I still say harmful things to others when they hurt me so I can feel dominant. 

I mean, I’m not fully bad. My lack of empathy makes me good at giving advice, my homicidal ideation makes me really good at protecting others. In the past I’ve defended people purely because I would have gotten the oppurtunity to get my claws on someone if they came any closer. My lack of love makes me not sugarcoat anything, and makes me a good conversationalist, because I’m almost never trying to make the other person like me. I’m also… half the time… good at reading people. I also got my ego slapped the fuck out of me so now I’m good at apologising, admitting when I was wrong and — with the help of others, for my OCD and this doesn’t let me think logically — knowing the scale of my actions and how to move forward. 

Hopefully this was interesting I guess