i’m somehow still squeamish

Trigger warning for wounds, self-harm, violence, stuff like that.

I’m finally admitting it. Somehow, I have managed to still be extremely sensitive to violence. Throughout physical abuse, self-harm, seeing gore, watching true crime videos as a child, and having a body that doesn’t work, I still hate hearing about violence and I still have a hard time not shuddering whenever people talk about wounds or attacks. I think a switch has flipped in my mind that’s made me more sensitive to stuff like this, or maybe I always have been, and am facing it more with the things I think about. 

I’ve been thinking about self-harm a little more recently. Getting worse is an itch that’s almost always there for me, but I can’t think about cutting myself because it makes me feel a little sick. I think that’s why I never cut deep, even though I’ve had self destructive behaviours for a while now. I never went deeper than styros and even then I almost vomited and fainted (probably due to shock + I was deeply anaemic so losing any blood harmed me terribly). I think I will go back to it eventually, but the adrenaline comes with it makes me so.. frantic. I don’t like it at all and the idea of the blade cutting through my again makes me writhe. 

I also think I’m more sensitive because I’ve had to get my blood tested. I didn’t think my interest in needles was going to turn into complete fear and hatred but it did. I get scared and sheepish and tense and everything when thinking about or getting my blood tested, and I feel a physical tingle in my inner elbows whenever I think of wounds. Eugh. EUGH. stop. 

I also know a little more about how fragile the human body is as I’m a fairly fragile person. My veins are far too visible, my bones are visible, if I stand up for too long I’ll get sick, if I walk for too long my hips will turn into tyre rubber. So the idea of it is creepier to me. I also hate the idea of brain-damage and the actual corruption of getting wounded. I don’t know how to explain it. 

I literally think about fighting people all of the time. But whenever I hear about someone’s teeth coming out with a punch, or god forbid someone getting curbstomped, I just…can’t. I imagine it all vividly, as if the knife is on my own skin, as if I’m the one with my jaw on the sidewalk. 

I might just be an #empath guys idk