Is this my life anymore or just someone's life that no longer has her in it

Dude, I missed her SO much yesterday and I genuinely couldn't stop thinking about her and I had another dream about her last night. My dreams nowadays tend to be about her and our mutual friend that I had a friend breakup with the day after I broke up with my girlfriend. 

ummm, we can call them Rosie (for my ex girlfriend) and Posie (for my ex friend) for now (attached even in code names)

Most of the time Rosie is either really mean in my dreams or we make up and things feel normal again and Posie either just appears in my dream to make me scared, or like in my dreams with Rosie, 

we make up and everything feels normal again.

But idk, last night I had a really good dream with Rosie in it and today, if I thought I was thinking about her a lot yesterday, today was on a WHOLE other level. (ok, not really but it felt like it)

I went on a walk to a few stores with my sister but I kinda purposely led us towards stores I know that her family likes to go to in hopes that I might maybe see her. I remember we used to have each other's life 360 but I left the circle when I blocked her on everything (I knew I wouldn't be able to stand getting the notifications) but now I have no idea where she is so technically she could be anywhere or she could just be at home. I'm not really sure whether or not I actually want to see her anyways, idk, I want to move on but I'm kind of putting it of until I actually switch schools and stuff. Once I'm able to let go of my old school, 

maybe I'll finally be able to let go of her?

Ok, kinda backtracking and going back to the night that I officially blocked her, I remember it SO well (probably because I recorded me crying on my 3ds and I rewatch the videos (a car has to find a way to remember how it felt before it drove away (Ok, ignore my bad car analogies))) But it's so weird rewatching the videos because I'll be crying my eyes out and then all of a sudden I'm showing one of her old tiktoks to the camera and talking about how pretty she is (while still crying, mind you 😭). I miss her so much but dude, ugh, bro, she sucked :(

Ok, well it's probably semi okish to share this here and nobody really reads these anyway but basically like, in case you were wondering why she sucks, the main reason (NOT the only reason) I broke up with her was because of her relationship with Posie. Basically, we were a trio and we were all SUPER close, except me and Rosie were dating and Rosie and Posie were really close. Actually, they may have been closer with each other than Rosie was with me. They called ALL the time and they talked with each other more than Rosie talked to me and when it came down to it, Rosie trusted Posie with stuff more than she trusted me, which includes how she actually felt about me and the relationship

I could usually tell that something was up sometimes but a lot of times I had to rely on vague hints from either of them and then beg the other for more information about how my girlfriend feels. Eventually, Posie became the main communication line for both of us but also seemed to become Rosie's favorite person, or maybe he always was.

They really would call ALL the time and they would sleep on call together and call for hours while I was rarely invited, at one point they changed their profile pictures to be Jessie and James in their wedding disguises (while I still had my pfp from when me and Posie were matching when we first became friends) and then there was a situation that really placed my distrust in them :(

Basically, me and Rosie had gotten into a fight and she decided to call Posie about it (I instead opted for watching a show she really wanted me to watch at the time in hopes that maybe it would cheer her up (it did not and I think it might've actually helped trigger the call instead)) According to Rosie herself for some reason because she decided to tell me all about it, her and Posie called that night and just complained and cried about me a bunch I guess (idk about what because people only tell me half of the story I guess) and then they took it to Brookhaven, made signs about hating her girlfriend, Posie is the side-chick (I guess it's a trend, idk, I avoid the #Ihatemyboyfriend stuff because I think it's weird) and then they have roblox E s3x I guess??? 😭😭😭 they took a BUNCH of photos and then Posie sent them to me for some reason and then Rosie showed me ALL of them in person plus some photos of them in the roblox shower?? (I can only describe this as like, E aftercare I guess 😭) idk, it's so strange and this is like, only the crazy wow stuff, there were a bunch of things in the relationship that's just like, why would someone treat the person that they love like that? 

But also, that story makes for an AMAZING icebreaker, and also a TON of people already really don't like Posie and it's kinda nice because it sparks up a conversation about him and it makes me feel better for not being friends with him anymore. I only really stopped being friends with him because he was LOUDLY making jokes about my relationship I guess and I was already cutting people out of my life and he caused a really big strain in the friend group and so whenever I talked about Rosie, Posie was naturally brought up in conversation too. 

But also, I will say, there were so many good moments with both of them and while I can mostly get over Posie because I don't really think I feel too super insanely deeply for my friends, I'm not sure if I know how to live my life without trying to make someone else the center of my thoughts. I miss Rosie, I miss cuddling with her, and talking to her, and listening to her talk about the things she likes, and reading her messages complaining about stuff, and hearing about her day, and watching her do color guard. I miss her smell, her face, her hair, her hands, her voice, her light. She brought a whole other level of meaning to my life, she could talk forever and I would sit there and listen and watch as her words change the way I see things. Everything reminds me of her and I love it and hate it at the same time, I wish I didn't have to leave her but it was for the better. Neither of us were really happy I guess but I still don't know what I did wrong. Why was she so ok with breaking up?

I miss her but does she miss me?