It's Lamby's Birthday

I don't really want anything 

I kind of just want to clean up my room

and 

do things 

Like I've just gotta focus on different things 

When I have too much time for myself inwardly my thoughts get messy

so i prefer to sleep or do mindless tasks to not think at all

to keep myself busy

i feel like I've been cursed with the ringing of the bell from over the garden wall

it's my birthday and I'm 19 now so that's cool

I have some homework that I've got to get done, looking forward to that, I've gotta straighten up my desk a little bit first though 

I still don't know how to deal with myself 

i teeter on the edge of 'am i a terrible person' and 'is it that thing clinging onto me like a parasite that makes me act this way'

I'm 19

I'm mentally well enough to be expected to function by myself and not mentally well enough to be expected to be entirely proper 

apparently you're not supposed to fix your bra straps in public

or pull your hair when you get frustrated 

there are things I know better not to do

and I've learnt not to do

but I'm never really told what to do instead 

so I'm left there full of feelings I can't get rid of

There are a lot of things I'm good at doing, like my art, or studying or whatever else is there. 

Recently I've been really wanting to do hurtful things again, but I haven't and I won't, because I know it's no good, and there are a lot of things I know aren't good, and I shouldn't do, amd again, i don't know what to do instead 

it was barely 9 in the morning when i had my fit, like a child, not knowing how to say anything, I ended up throwing and destroying things and it was stupid, i was stupid, it was all so stupid. 

I don't kmow why I'm so stupid. Why can't I just say things without getting mad like that? why can't I just sit down like a normal kid and do something else instead of hurting people. Again and again I'm wishing that, I just didn't have to deal with myself at all

i slept till noon and slowly forgot i existed 

my parents brought me to the beach

'it's good for you, it'll be good for you'

was the thought behind it, and I do appreciate it 

it's not like I'm not grateful 

you don't need to tell me things i already know

I don't know why I'm a difficult child 

i looked at crabs and grasshoppers

i wished i was one of them

i wished i could bury myself in the sand and never come out

off with tasks to fill my life it is. 

I've got no choice but to keep moving forward 

I hope one day life will be better

make a ladder filled with my blood and sweat

right now my job is to do breakfast and that's it. will clean up my room afterwards. and then maybe do my work before playing a game or two on my tablet.

i will be okay, there will be ways to deal with things that are scary and big to deal with

i am surrounded by love and its okay