j's monologue 1

and I'm just here to pick myself up a little, one foot in front of the other, every single day.

unless you saw the blog entry i had up for around 20 seconds where i rambled about life and had myself a good ol' wallowing in despair (i apologize if you read that, really) this is blog entry #1! and there will definitely be more to come! im just a person thats trying to escape from the world im stuck in that i created in my head so i can live more presently. i also draw a lot, currently dont have any sort of camera so you guys can only see digital art for now. i also play a bit of music!! maybe ill put some tunes here! :O

i cant believe that it took me 6 years to realise this but apparently having incredibly high standards for everything you do and wallowing in self hatred when it dosent reach that standard and then being scared to actually commit to anything in case you fail is not a good mechanism for growth and healing. uh-oh! please be kind to yourself, actually kind to yourself. and just make stuff. make it messy, make it quickly and make it crap or whatever jsut make it exist. its never ever to late to start (unless your dead or smth idk) and even if youre a million miles behind and its going slow it will always be beter than being a million and one miles behind and giving up and not moving. and i wont lie to you that ignoring people in your life that make you feel crappy is easy or that you wont fall back down sometimes, it can suck a great deal of energy and will out of you and leave you feeling like youre pointless and i g et it, wallowing in it is kind of nice, but also not nice? maybe its the certainty that comes with giving up, you know exactly where youll be if you dont try after all, nothing to lose, nothing to gain too. but if there is anything your sould starts calling for you to do or try but it feels really really scary, youre not alone (thats cheesy, dosent mean you wont feel alone) and youre not scared because youre incapable, its just because its unfamiliar.

i want to conquer these fears and tragedies that life gives us together, because life also givves us so much joy and thrill and you learn something new everyday.

 writing this blog is kind of scary, because its really cheesy and sounds like a photocopied twinkl poster that was hanging on your teachers wall. the reason i am being such a "positive" lil gremlin right now is because its really late/ early and i just climbed a mountain today/yesterday and found a lake at the top and i learned a lot from it somehow.

 just wanted to dump my thoughts here as they come so mind the mess please n thank you