Late night melancholy pensiveness

I usually stay awake at night from the moment I lay on my bed (11pm til 4 am) so I get about 4 or so hours of sleep. Thoughts crawl into my mind. The mind is a scary place where the world just flows and transforms into a vessel of the past and you peek into a world of what could have beens and never what has been or what is. It's depressing and disgusting. Unfulfilled promises and actions. Left behind in the dust. All crawling up on you in this panorama. Yearning and wishing to cling onto something that's still there but you realize deeply that it'll never come back. None of the people you have known for a long time will ever return in your life so you're just withering away alone now more then ever. More then before. Once a hikkikomori always a hikkikomori. But they made you complete. They made you whole. But in the end actions have consequences. And thus we all must attone for our sins. I wish this world was more forgiving then it is supposedly "just" and "fair". It's cruel and cold. Giving a cold shoulder to those like me who want to desperately seek out connection and community but cannot due to lacking social aptitude and social cues. In the end being cast aside and forgotten. Rotten away like any other worthless piece of shit. 

"Death is the great leveler."

One's station in life doesn't matter; all people are simply dead when they die.