my anomalous uncle + his SCP file

Item #: SCP-[REDACTED]

Object Class: Safe (Pending Thaumiel status)

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-[REDACTED] is currently uncontained and resides in a standard suburban household. Due to the low threat level, containment focuses on mitigation rather than isolation.

• SCP-[REDACTED] must be provided with a continuous supply of bird seeds and raw cabbages to maintain a docile state.

• A minimum of one (1) staff member must be stationed nearby at all times to assist SCP-[REDACTED] with tying his shoes. Failure to do so results in a localized TK-Class "Emotional Collapse" scenario.

• Under no circumstances should SCP-[REDACTED] be exposed to television news broadcasts or brought within 50 meters of a medical facility.

Description: SCP-[REDACTED], colloquially known as "Uncle Frank," is a humanoid entity possessing a cluster of low-level, highly specific anomalous traits.

While biologically human, SCP-[REDACTED] exhibits several reality-bending and paracognitive properties:

1. Spatiotemporal and Historical Anomalies

• The 1860 Paradox: SCP-[REDACTED] frequently expresses intense nostalgia for the city of Porto, Portugal, specifically during the year 1860. However, when questioned, he expresses severe disdain for 19th-century architecture, clothing, and urban culture. The Foundation has yet to determine how he experienced 1860 Porto, or why he prefers it.

• The Gas Station Fixation: Despite possessing no driver's license and never having operated a motor vehicle, SCP-[REDACTED] holds complex, aggressive, and highly detailed opinions regarding the corporate infrastructure, fuel quality, and layout of various global gas station chains.

2. Material and Technological Anomalies

• Sock Duplication: SCP-[REDACTED] possesses exactly 4,320 pairs of socks, spanning every color in the visible spectrum. If any pair is removed from his residence, an identical pair manifests in his drawer within 24 hours.

• OS Anchoring: SCP-[REDACTED] exclusively uses MS-DOS for all computing needs. Attempting to install modern operating systems on his hardware results in immediate, unexplained system frying. Despite this, he has successfully hosted and moderated a continuous online forum dedicated entirely to deodorant since 1999.

• The Scooter Fleet: SCP-[REDACTED] owns three electric urban scooters (predominantly Segway brand).

3. Biological and Behavioural Anomalies

• Hygiene Resistance: SCP-[REDACTED] showers exactly twice per week, regardless of external temperature, physical exertion, or the peak of summer heat. He does not emit standard body odor, but rather a faint scent of dried lavender and stale dial-up modems.

• Unexplained Credentials: Despite lacking any formal record of higher education, SCP-[REDACTED] legally possesses two authentic, verified certificates: one in Hairdressing and one in Pedagogy. He has never been observed cutting hair or teaching children.

4. Behavioural Triggers and Conversation Mechanics

Field agents must strictly adhere to the "Fast Food & Vines" Protocol when engaging in dialogue with SCP-[REDACTED]. If a conversation fails to meet his specific conversational standards, he will attempt to teleport out of the room

To maintain a stable conversation, dialogue must include:

• Concise, fluff-free information.

• At least one (1) reference to a pre-2016 Vine meme.

• Exactly one (1) inquiry regarding the menu or corporate structure of Burger King.

5. Documented Incident Triggers

Addendum [REDACTED]-1: The "C" Protocol Update

Note from Lead Researcher: It has been discovered that the entity "C" is SCP-[REDACTED]’s teenage niece and sole relative.

When the name "C" is uttered, SCP-[REDACTED] does not attempt a hostile summoning ritual, but rather a localized reality-warp to initiate "compulsory bonding time." Because SCP-[REDACTED]'s emotional stability relies heavily on this relationship, C has been granted Level 1 security clearance to manage her uncle.

Warning to Staff: Keep all fountain pens, ink bottles, and paper tape out of the communal breakroom when SCP-[REDACTED] is on-site. He will drink the ink.

Addendum [REDACTED]-2: Log of "C" Bonding Session

The following is a transcript of an authorized visitation between SCP-[REDACTED] and his niece, C.

[BEGIN LOG]

[SCP-[REDACTED] immediately initiates a tight embrace upon C's entry into the containment area.]

SCP-[REDACTED]: I hate it here. It's superfluous. The whole layout reminds me of this café owner I knew in Porto. Absolutely wretched. The cafés back then had entirely too much decorum. Just completely superfluous.

C: [Nods] Hi, Uncle Frank. Look at this graph. [Shows a concise, one-page document on global logistics]

SCP-[REDACTED]: [Calming down] Ah. Road work ahead?

C: Uh yeah, I sure hope it does. So, what's your take on the Burger King Whopper right now?

SCP-[REDACTED]: Exceptional. A triumph of culinary engineering. Unlike McDonald's. McDonald's is fake. It's a complete monopoly, just like Coca-Cola. Don't get me started on their corporate infrastructure. Now, let me show you pair number 2,114. It's a marvellous shade of periwinkle.

[SCP-[REDACTED] spends the next thirty minutes meticulously displaying his sock collection while discussing archived internet humor from 2015.]

C: Hey, Uncle Frank... do you actually feel safe here? There are some pretty dangerous anomalies contained in this specific site.

SCP-[REDACTED]: [Shrugs nonchalantly while chewing on a piece of paper tape] If there's a security breach, I'll just bend the space-time continuum. It's fine. Anyway, did you know the Mobil gas station on the interstate has the worst layout in North America?

[END LOG]

Addendum [REDACTED]-3: Spontaneous "C" Invocation Event

The following is a visual recording of an unscheduled manifestation event.

[BEGIN LOG]

[Junior Researcher ████ enters the containment unit to deliver a standard psychological evaluation form. SCP-[REDACTED] is sitting on the floor, organizing his neon-green sock collection.]

Junior Researcher ████: Good afternoon, Frank. I just need you to fill out this—

SCP-[REDACTED]: [Eyes widen upon seeing the medical logo on the clipboard] This is an infringement on my sheer willpower! Freedom of expression! C!

[A loud POP echoes through the room, accompanied by the distinct aroma of cheap printer toner and a faint sound of a dial-up modem connecting. C materializes directly next to the desk.]

C: Hey random researcher! Hey uncle! :D

SCP-[REDACTED]: [Gasping, tears immediately forming in his eyes] C! 🥹 You look as healthy as an organic cabbage. 😭

Junior Researcher ████: [Dropping the clipboard] How did... you aren't even scheduled for a visit until Tuesday!

C: [To the researcher] Don't worry about it. Hey Uncle Frank, look at this bird seed. Fresh aviary blend.

SCP-[REDACTED]: [Instantly pacified] Exquisite. Truly exquisite. Let me tell you about the local governance of Porto in the winter of 1860...

[END LOG]