It has been seven years since the last time I was actually busy!

    Which I know is a crazy thing to say, but it's true. I haven't kept up with or signed up for any extracurriculars while also keeping up with schoolwork in seven full years. It's been a long time since I felt like I've been actually, truly busy; the reason being my numerous health issues over the past few years, along with terrible depression all throughout. But, lately, things have been really different. I started attending an art school on the side, signed up for some fun volunteer work on my own, began to keep good grades for the first time in many, many years, kept any missed attendance to a minimum, and started journaling. I've been cleaning more, organizing things that were in piles. I even started reading again--reading! The last time I felt able enough to sit down with a book was back when I was ten. I've probably been able to do all these things likely because I've been actually receiving treatment for said health issues. I feel happier these days. I think I smile a lot more.

    I used to read some self-help pamphlets occasionally back when I was still sort of lifeless, and they would all warn against being busy. That never made sense to me. I think what they were talking about was overscheduling to the point of burnout, which I do agree would make anyone stressed. But these days feel very different from the sort of overexertion these things warn about. I think that I am currently managing just the right amount of busy. It's the kind that leaves you tired, but not completely exhausted, more content with the exertion of putting effort into something that makes you happy. It's the kind of busy that leaves little gaps for you to count those funny little shapes in your ceiling or to take a little walk on a nice day. I am happy because this kind of busy leaves room for the lack of structure. I don't really know how to explain it! The best thing I can compare it to is maybe a good sweater? The kind that takes some meticulous washing and brushing out, but always makes you feel warm and fuzzy when you wear it. That kind of feeling. Like airy knitwear, maybe. 

    I have so many things to fill my time, and even more time on top of that to find new things to do. I have so much time, all of a sudden. I mean, I still have some pain and there are some bad days but there's just so much room for me, all of a sudden. I don't feel as trapped with the sort of crushing idleness that I was forced to stay in before. Maybe this is how butterflies feel, you know? Aren't they so cute in their little cocoons? I always liked looking at those. Maybe when they come out to unfold their tiny wings, they feel this sort of thing. Busy, but enjoyably so. There is so much space for them, suddenly, now that they have been able to grow. There were so many butterflies this spring. I took a walk to see them. 

    I'm just so happy. I would have never thought I would feel any sort of fulfillment in my life just a year ago. I'm really happy I waited until I was able to get treatment, until my life was able to get a bit easier. I have so much time, you know? So much time, now.

    I'm aware this probably isn't the most interesting first blog entry. I guess I picked this one because I'm still sort of giddy over it (sorry for rambling!) and I really wanted to write it down somewhere. I want to look back on it if it ever gets tough again!

    I hope you have a good day today.