napo in davids pov [important]

edit: I retired shortly after this blog was posted. Not editing it for sake of clarity

Okay so normally i wouldnt make blogs about this but im very tired of the site. This is me speaking from my heart as best as i can which is why im talking kind of weird

Tldr i dont really like napo anymore and im considering throwing in the towel but i might not if the staff thing isnt resolved fast. I also apologize for my erratic behavior in the past 3 months

Im very exhausted, theres no other way to put it. Site was born from drama. Theres drama every week and you are not allowed to make any sort of minor mistake because it either adds to that drama or creates it. Every time this happens I am somehow involved in drama because I called a certain 32 year old a word i can reclaim and the other 27 year old accused my fiancee of having gore pfps when its a creepypasta blablabla who cares. Not the point

Ive been doxxed because of drama related to Napo. I nearly ended my life because of drama related to Napo. My family was harassed because of Napo. I have had to return to Napo in the middle of vacations because there was something going on. I have lost time with my family and friends because of Napo. I masked my real authentic self and lost myself because of Napo. People accused me of being a shedtwt guy, a groomer, a necrophile, etc etc because of drama. None of it is ever true, its only to cause more drama. Its very tiring and its gotten to the point where yes, I have lost my passion for the site, which is why my profile and general demeanor is completely different on there. I am tired of people like Goat and Koltin because they have either continued to harass us, random users, and children, or have committed literal cybercrimes, but one thing gets taken out of context and suddenly I am dragged into it and that is hyperfocused on. It always feels like "I know youre the one almost always handling the reports, staying active, and that Goat is a snuff weirdo and Koltin made accusations that could ruin your fiancees life, but youre mean and thats worse!!"

The staff is tired. There are 4 staff members left and if I throw in the towel like I actually am considering, then that means theres only 1 "real" moderator who actively focuses on handling reports and layouts etc, while the other two are working on backend stuff. Its not good. I wont say much about the other "real" mod but were both very exhausted and burnt out from Napo and atp, anything goes.

I am autistic and the reason why I was so defensive about Napo from the beginning until fairly recent was because it was a hyperfixation of mine, it doesnt excuse much but regardless these last 3 months have changed me very negatively and i think ive lost that hyperfixation. Yes Napo bad or whatever but there is much worse going on behind the scenes and the most active members of the team are feeling it the worst. I was very loving of the site and hopeful for it but ive lost that sentiment and im just waiting for it to all be over. 

I thought that leading that movement for better Spacehey moderation would translate well to Napo but it really didnt. I ended up hating myself more and more because of this. I do not mean any harm towards anyone, i was simply extremely emotional about the site and caring towards the userbase. I wanted to keep watch of everyone the way a loving father would but i just dont think i have it in me anymore

Ive been handling an extremely hectic life. I have two pets to take care of on my own, bills to pay on my own, two jobs, my last year of university, and my own needs. I live alone and I feel incredibly lonely, but I do not want to form an attachment to names I see on the internet as if i truly knew them at all. I think that if Napo took more time to develop and establish a better team, if Goat didnt promote the site within a week of its existence [attention-seeking], if I myself werent so defensive of the thing I used to love, I think things wouldve been better.

I apologize if ive been mean in the past couple of months, again, I thought i was obligated to defend napo not only as a staff member but as someone who was hyperfixated. Ive been cruel and upset with people in this period because of the stress building up behind the scenes, and a couple of people have seen me snap [the suicide attempt, me almost being let go, etc]. I can recognize now that i need a break. 

I do not want to be intimidating or mean or constantly upset. Literally i thought i would only occasionally have to deal with catfights in blog comments or something. I would rather not be such a heavy figure for any social media at all, especially one tainted with so much hate and drama and controversy that no matter how much i try to explain, people will take it the wrong way or not listen. The biggest recurring problem is that people do not listen to me and many days I feel invisible or like im mute when i try to bring up the truth. [humorous seeing as how im nonverbal and reclusive] Its getting to the point where i want to avoid the napo discord server and i feel this weird sensation in my gut when i remember to check napo.

Thats all, i might be done with this, i miss being a normal user. I miss drama not infiltrating every aspect of my life. Its not necessary. I want to go back to being a silly artist on the internet that people occasionally notice. Sorry if this reads weird, being stressed kind of affects my ability to speak english