On depression and feeling like a shitty creepypasta oc that an edgy 12 yr old made

(This is a vent post, it contains references to depression, murder, mental illness, and anger issues. Please don't read if you can't handle these topics as they are pretty heavily in my life rn)

It's so hard to not feel depressed and hopeless as FUCK when you're trapped in situations beyond your control. I spend every day just distracting myself from my house that smells like fucking cat spray everywhere and all the disturbing neo nazi shit I see on my social media feeds sometimes... 

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or seeking some sort of relatability right now but damn. Like I'll always be mentally ill and I'll always have depression as my default emotion. I mean I guess I can romanticize it a bit with all the emo music I listen to but sometimes when I open my mouth I sound either like a future school shooter or someone really corny and edgy. I remember listening to a serial killer case and was relating to the serial killers backstory because he also went through trauma, felt trapped in his identity, and was paranoid like me... Like bro... 

I feel so bad for speaking about this because I'm genuinely just so disgusting from my depression and extreme apathy towards myself. I feel like a stupid creepypasta like yes I have wanted to hurt myself and others and am paranoid and mentally ill and crazy. Yes I love horror and death metal yes I have bad anger issues like 😭😭😭 How am I supposed to love myself, like if I didn't develop empathy due to how badly I've been treated, would I actually have fallen down the alt right shooter pipeline. Scary to think about lol.

Maybe I can romanticize this too? No I'm actually so carefree from being so edgy guys!!1111!! I don't care what others think of me and enjoy scaring others and myself!!111!!! haaha yeah!!111!! (Me when I lie)

So anyways