our lady of bittersweetness came back to us

beach house's first show of the year ended just now and i didn't go obviously because that's all the way in nashville, but while they played and someone was sending videos and pictures to us, something was so off and i could so clearly see myself when i was 14, in a new bedroom with nothing in it, up late at night while the kitchen still smelled like bay leaves and chili from dinner, texting my friends about music because i had just gotten into how albums work and how songs are written in the context of other songs. i am right back where i was when i 14 and looking up concert videos on youtube, in a new bedroom, texting my friends while the kitchen smells like bay leaves and chili. i subconsciously arranged my room like how my old bedroom was and i only recently noticed.

the air is cold like how it was before. the air smells like linen, hair, wood floors, bay leaves, and rain. its just like how it was before. this desk feels small like i grew out of it. the only difference between then and now is that i know more now and i don't feel like throwing myself out of the top floor window. and i can be trusted with knives and tylenol pills in my room. it feels like i know everything and nothing at all.