rapidly deteriorating for fun

[TW for mentions of trauma, self destruction, self-harm, hospitals. I’m not trying to say any of this is valid or should be repeated!]

Now, this isn’t urgent. I think that going downhill and doing a bunch of bs to myself after realising I was a shitty toxic little cunt is very.. stereotypical and I don’t want to do it. I’m entertained by being mentally ill and doing things that I probably deserve is extremely unentertaining. Mental illness is only entertaining to have if it came about randomly or if I’m a victim of something. So I’m gonna try and get into something and separate myself from the bad parts of me before I do some tomfoolery. 

I think the anhedonia I’ve gotten from recognising that I was a bad person is making all of my evil ass symptoms of SOMETHING rise up again.. it’s not the idea of me being evil I’m running from. I understand that and I’m kinda over it because I’m working on getting better because I don’t wanna be a loser. But it’s more the general unhappiness I have from the idea of being a complete and utter VILLAIN in someone else’s story, which is completely valid, but still gets at my unsealed self.

For me, no happiness + bored = do something big and impulsive so you can be entertained again. 

I’ve been thinking of traumatising myself, getting myself into something really horrible so I can be entertained again. I want something to focus on that actually engages my mind instead of the drowsy thoughts of ‘do I deserve to live?’ constantly. I’m 14, I still have a lot to live for, but my brain is still trying to torture me. I’ve looked at 20 Reddit posts about the situation I’m in, I’ve found my answer, and my brain is still ruminating. So I’m going to make my life actually exciting. Maybe I’ll stumble upon cigarettes, maybe I’ll get myself into a car crash through manifestation.. the only thing I’m not doing is cutting myself again because it hurts me too much for me to enjoy. I wouldn’t call myself a self-destructive person but I can be sometimes, I guess. I just want something that’ll entertain me in being the victim again, or something that’ll entertain me through it being so crazy to happen, like a huge knife fight at my school. I might also just get myself hospitalised but that feels a little pathetic too. I just feel so…stagnant, I guess. I need something invigorating, something fantastic, to get me going again. This is my kind of entertainment.