Relationships

Connect is hard for me to make. I don't know if I like guys, girls, both, everyone, or none and this just makes it harder. I've been in an on and offish(?) relationship for I think 2, maybe 3 years (sorry I have no concept of time) and our anniversary is coming up on the 30th. This is my longest relationship but it's not my deepest. He knows some things about me but some things I keep to myself and no one but my ex will know about it. If we break up I don't know what I'll do with myself because I'm scared of opening up to people I care about. It's better for me to lie and say I'm okay. Like right I can't sleep because every time I close my eyes and I see things that make me anxious to sleep, I'll just tell him I drank coffee or I just couldn't sleep. I'm just so worried one mistake and he'll leave. I refuse to send him pictures unless I look perfect. I'll literally get nauseous if I'm not perfect. I don't know myself and I think I'll die not knowing myself