Talking back and forth to myself.

I was in my backyard with my dad. We were doing a little maintenance, repairs on the house on his house, I guess, or my house, I guess, whatever. And then I was kind of sitting there, and he asked me to hand him some pliers. So, for some reason, I handed him a screwdriver, and he says to me, “No, hand me some pliers.” So I went and got the pliers. And as I was reaching down for the pliers, I almost grabbed the screwdriver. And then something in my mind said, “No.” It wasn’t my dad talking. It said, “Nope, get the pliers.” So I handed him the pliers.

And then I sat down on the dirt. I was pretty young. I thought, what was that in my mind that told me not to do that, to get the other thing? And I thought maybe that’s thinking. I don’t know how old I was. Seven, eight. And for some reason, it’s just, fascinating to me. Even now, all this time later, it’s my favorite thing. I can’t believe I’m thinking. I’m thinking a thinking human person. Sometimes my mind thinks and gives me the information. It’s shocking to me.

Talking back and forth to myself, to your consciousness maybe, or trying to come to some kind of understanding. You’re talking to yourself, and then, “No, that won’t work. What about this?” Or, “Hmm, oh, I could do this. No, she won’t like this. He doesn’t do this.” Like, who am I talking to? Somehow I have two inside me making decisions. Sometimes it’s a sounding board. Sometimes it’s, just something that all of a sudden gives me information. My brain will just say, “I don’t think she likes this,” or, “No, he doesn’t like that,” or, “It’s cold.” And I’m, whoa.

I’m sitting there,  I understand that this is called thinking, but to me, this seems strange. That I’m just sitting there on the couch, thinking. I watch my cats thinking. It’s fascinating. They’re on the ground. They’re sleeping. They stretch, and then I’m like, what will they do? And why? What’s telling them to do this? Something is compelling them to either go eat some food, go look out the window, and they just think for a couple seconds. Pretty slow. And then they’re like, bang, and then they do it. I’m like, wow. Fascinating.

Man, do I not even care. Every conversation I get in, I just can’t even believe that my mind is just drawing conclusions. Period. Just that drawing conclusions. I can’t believe my mind is going, “Oh yeah, this is this and this is that,” and then putting this and that together. And I’m like, cheers, mind.

Then I totally forget about the main topic of what I’m saying because I’m into, like, how my mind’s thinking about what’s being said, and what’s being said doesn’t even matter at all. It’s just how. It’s like, whoa, mind. Cheers to you. So my mind’s putting all of this stuff together, and it seems like I’m just a witness. More and more, I feel like I’m just a witness to the universe. That’s just me. That’s it. Just witness.

Sometimes it seems like you can try to explain it. Different years of my life, at different times, I’ve dissected it up and labeled it and gotten into all kinds of philosophies. But as soon as you approach it with a little dissecting knife, it falls apart. It has to stay within its whole. You can’t describe it. It doesn’t have names. You can study it, but you can’t dissect it and study it. You can’t name its pieces. It can be understood, but I don’t know how.

It has no name and no shape. And as soon as you try to give it a name and a shape, it vanishes. It’s complexity, mind. I can’t believe it. It’s amazing. The complexity of the universe absorbed by the witness of the mind. Whoa.

I always try to remember, when I’m trying to order, some coffee, not to think about this. Just say, I'd like the large americano, please.♡