Teen years and self doubt

I’m soon to be 18. (yes, i’m currently 17 despite my account age) I’ve found my teen years to be.. anticlimactic. I spent most of my time reading perverted fan fiction, mutilating my arms or sleeping. I have a few good friends but i’m not the kind of person who likes to go out very much. I’ve had one serious girlfriend, but she dumped me for a guy. 

Sometimes i wonder if it’s how i look that holds me back. I seem to be able to get along with people well at school, but i don’t do anything exciting. 

Maybe it’s just my depression. I’m medicated but still sorta numb. it’s easier staying neutral, watching time pass by instead of feeling things intensely. I’m not sure how i would handle intense emotions anyways, mutilate myself some more? 

maybe i would be more productive if i felt things fully. 

maybe i would act on some of the ideas that float around in my mind, they’re so unrealistic though. 

Maybe everything is just too overwhelming, all the things i want to do and can realistically do. it’s too much, so i do nothing at all, nothing important anyways.