tender groubles

I went on testosterone therapy from ages 18-23 because i was transgender at the time. After a harrowing breakup i decided to de transition. part of me was always convinced id go back on T eventually but now im not so sure. I think a large part of my confusion is my psyche seems to b split into teams about this. 

One: Im agender. But prefer to be seen as masculine.

two: im bigender, switching between male and female

three: Im a woman, plain and simple.

four: Im a transman.

right now, this very second im leaning towards three, i feel very disconnected from two. but i guess i can see one or four. 

somealter recently came forward and said they didnt want to do any "major body mods including T" until after full integration. do you think tongue splitting counts as a major body mod? jk i dont have the anatomy. 

at first i was like " no way. suck my balls" but now im like. okay i guess i can be a woman a little longer. or half way a woman, i kinda have my foot in the door rn. like all my socials still say he/him, my facebook still has my old chosen name. I aply for jobs with a gender neutral chosen name.

sometimes I wish someone could just tell me what to do, like "obviously your a man you do such and such" or "its so obvious only women blah blah blah" but i think is someone actually came to me with that kind of gender essentialism I would be... dismissive of their opinion on gender. I wont lie. lol.

right now i guess the plan is to just keep my self half way in half way out like I am. i'm very lucky to be in a supportive environment so i can make whatever moves i want. I dont evern really care tha much about labels what troubles me if is i should go back on T. 

I dont want to regret this time ive taken off hormones. although i think i already will, i heard your hips can still grow ages like 21-26 and i think mine did when i came off T. but some people dont even go on T till their like, sixties and they're fiiine. 

I used to be uncomfortable with some of the changes my body went through on T. thats part of the reason i stopped. I got way too fucking hairy. but i love my voice... even though i really need to voice train. someone once said i sound like a gay barista "in a comforting way."

then what that voice told me, that they dont want me to do anything major with the body till things are more settled system wise... which i guess is fair. I do genuinely wonder what the line is for major body mod tho like i was planning of getting some small scarification done one day... would that count? i understand nobody but the voices in my head can answer this but wouldn't it be nice to know?

So i guess im a woman for now, which at this very moment i'm fine with but Im sure their will be diffent feelings about this in say... half an hour. lol.