the question everyone hates: "what are you doing after highschool?"

"what are you doing after highschool?" i genuinely have no idea. a lot of people say its fine to not know because we have heaps of time to figure it out and everything, but i feel like when i say i dont know i mean it in a way thats different to when other people say they dont know, if that makes sense? like not in an emo way but i genuinely find it impossible to comprehend my future being an adult in the world, living somewhere different, getting married, having kids, etc. i cannot imagine it as hard as i try. 

because i have adhd, when im interested in something i am obsessed with it (hyperfixation) but of course hyperfixations sadly end, so choosing my future after highschool kinda feels like im choosing something for someone older than me who i don't really know and havent met before, if that makes sense? i have always loved creating art stuff, so i guess i could do something with that, but then comes the issue where as soon as i HAVE to do something, my motivation is way lower. like ive been doing photography as a subject the whole way through highschool, and i love it but it got so much harder to do once i became a senior and actually had to do it to pass, like obviously the workload was harder but i mean the rule that i had to do it made it harder? idk. mum says ive never been able to think of what i wanted to be when i grew up, i remember i went through a phase where i was obsessed with space and i wanted to be an astronaut, but not any more lol. 

i think i also get frustrated with people who say they don't know what they are going to do after highschool but what they actually mean is they might go travelling or get a job or something like that, because then that freaks me out because i REALLY do not know. i think also a big part of it is i like knowing whats going to happen or what something is going to be like. like when i started highschool i had friends who were a year older so they told me exactly what it was like. i hated when people would say really general things like "just put yourself out there!" and "try everything!! make new friends!!!! go to your classes!!" because that really doesn't tell you anything at all. when i say i want to know what something is like, i mean things such as how the school day works (classes, where everyone goes at lunch, unspoken rules, buses, etc). example, i even get scared going to my friends houses for dinner because like where do they all sit? who sits where? what if i don't like what we are eating? do we have to eat dinner with the rest of the fam or go to my friends room? do they watch tv with dinner? someone told me that thats kinda one of the beauties of life is going into an experience not knowing whats going to happen, and i do agree to some extent but i wish my brain could agree lol.

one thing though that is helpful is two of my good friends who are a year older are at the uni that i was possibly thinking about, and they are doing arty subjects. seeing them post about it does make it seem easier to understand and less scary, so that option could be something i look into more. 

it is crazy to think that i won't see all of my friends every day, i will drift apart from some people, and the teachers will continue to teach the students that arrive and graduate as they were when i started and as they will when im leaving. its a bit hard for my brain to understand because in my head time is kind of just split into Now, and Not now. 

the other day in my health class we were doing this thing about our "dream life at 25 years old" where we had to imagine where we wanted to be, what we wanted to do, money stuff, all that jazz. my whole table had so much fun with it but my paper stayed blank. actually no it didnt i drew all over it but i think the reason is i took it too literally and felt like i was deciding my future. which now im relising is a little silly because it was just a fun activity to get us thinking and obviously a piece of paper isnt going to dictate what i do with my actual life, but everytime i tried to think of something, brain just went blank. 

i go back and forth in my mind like on one side i think that no matter what i will get to wherever im going no matter how long it takes me, everything will work out and it will all be okay and i will create a life i love and if i dont love it then i will change it until i do. the other side is like wow i feel so behind i feel like everyone on this earth got given instructions how to be human and i didnt get them, what am i doing, where am i going what the hell and im a chud. i try to think more positivly though but of course everyone freaks out a little sometimes. 

anyways thats enough from me now, this was the first blog ive ever written but not the first one ive ever posted lol. idk how much of this made sense. if you read the whole thing, thank you! 𖦹