the signs were right there

i don't know how i never like realized that i might also be aroace or somewhere else on the spectrum. but aroace seems to idk fit me and how i feel ig. but idk. i mean i always had a speculation about it like why i can't feel the way how others are feeling but i never really actually sit down and think about what that might mean. 

so like ive been in a few relationships before idk whether i should count like online relationships too but i'll just talk about it anyways. um i noticed that as a child i never really had crushes while everyone my age had them and i always felt weird and different for not having one. i mean like i thought i had to have a crush to be liked yk and when someone liked me or told me that they liked me i didn't know how to respond. either that or i just didn't pick up on them having feelings for me.

 i didn't have feelings for them and didn't find anyone really attractive. i mean maybe one or two people but it wasn't anything serious i just thought they looked pretty cool. um i also noticed that in my past relationships it was always them liking me even when i didn't rlly like them back in that way but even so i gave the relationships a chance to see what it was all about. 

i learned a lot actually that relationships are hard man. like it has to be a two way street not a one-sided thing and unfortunately most of my relationships they never ended well bc of that. i won't rlly go much into detail about it but i kinda always gave a lot in the relationship and never really idk got back if that makes sense?? and then with ig sexual attraction and stuff um i guess i had thoughts here and there about it in my relationships but it wasn't something i needed yk? 

like i know people like to be intimate with each other and i mean that's perfectly fine but i honestly don't think i can see myself doing that stuff with someone else. i don't know if it's due to past trauma or what but it's just something i don't really care for much. even the one time where i guess in one of my relationships where i was close to someone and they expressed how much they wanted me in that way and they gave consent to let me touch them and do things like that i chose not to. 

i was hesitant about it. i didn't know how to feel about it. like if this is really what i wanted or if it's just what my body wanted because ofc i get excited around people that actually want me but that's how my body is responding. not like what my mind actually wants. so idk it's complicated. i always felt weird or pretty isolated because i just could never understand why i was feeling the way i did or what i was doing wrong. but i know that there isn't anything wrong with me and that im not broken.

 discovering this identity actually made me feel more better and confident in myself because it made me understand myself better and that im not crazy. because society expects everyone to feel romantic and sexual attraction to people and to be able to click right away just like that but not everyone can relate to that. not everyone has those feelings that other people do.

 instead of sexual stuff what i mostly want is like queer platonic relationships. i want like affection genuine pure affection (hugs, kisses, cuddles, holding hands) all that good stuff. i just want to have a close connection in someone that way without the pressure of having it be romantic or turning it into something sexual. i don't wanna feel bounded to being in relationships with people when i don't feel the same way that they do. can anyone relate to this at all?