The Wicker Tree (2011)

This is not to be confused with The Wicker Man (1973). That one is actually good. I stumbled upon this stiff knock-off by recklessly torrenting files and putting my bank security at risk. I can't imagine any other way of someone willingly sitting through this painful slog. What I assumed to be a hyper-Christian copy was actually directed by Robin hardy himself and is even an adaptation of his original novel. The name is irrelevant. 

This film opens up with two bland Caucasians wistfully staring into each other's hallmark blue eyes. Just before their wedding, they agreed to travel to Scotland (my home country) and fix all the pagans there. It's weird that a film made in 2011 is still having a Catholic V. Protestant showdown as the plot. 

Those dirty accented heathens are very unwelcoming to the duo. They air a boring, gently provocative music video the main girl did before turning her soul to the Lord which caused her boyfriend to start to feel things. Un-godly things. To cope, he rides a horse down to the river and hooks up with the first girl he sees. 

The rest of this film passed by in painfully slow 2x speed. This movie is seriously so bad that it ruined the rest of my day. The acting is worse than a 70s porno. The camera work is dull. The colour grading is bland. The set design sucked. The story makes very little sense. There are moments which I think are meant to be comedic but they are so so stupid. Genuinely children's Cocomelon level of entertainment between cannibalism and bare breasts. 

You can tell how low the budget was because as soon as something gorey or naked or interesting is about to happen, they cut away. 

I can only assume the director was poisoned through metal or gas or something. This is insufferable. I regret every moment I spent watching this film and I can't even come up with a funny review to riff off of it. What a waste of time!