what's more scary than school?

fear. 

fear is really all I feel when I think of the future, after high school where am I going to go? what am I going to do. ever since kindergarten up to now every step of my life was written in a sort of way, I would go to sleep every morning knowing that tomorrow simply holds more endless dreadful days of school. Sure we hate it but it was safe, knowing what tomorrow holds for you is better than knowing that in 2 years you'll have to apply to colleges because your life now lies in your hands and you can't just rely on anyone else. These thoughts of what ifs fill my head, what if I don't get accepted, what if I didn't work hard enough, what if I’ll ever make it. 

The truth is Ive lost all motivation in the education department. Ever since 8th grade my mindset had withered into a sort of way where I thought if I had no expectations of myself then I wouldn't be disappointed, and it worked. i stopped trying in school and I know that ill pay for it in the future yet I do nothing to change it, because if I expect nothing than something will happen, right? not really I just tell myself that as a way of comfort, because believing I will succeed but telling myself I won't is a way that I cope, because not trying has deemed me a gifted child in school, not trying has gotten me in one of the current biggest competitions and won me an award, not trying has led me to being nominated for 4 awards. 

I would be lying if I told you that all that I had listed I achieved was because of my effort, because deep down I know that I care, I know that I care a little too much and caring too much has made me not care at all. deep down I know I succeeded in all that simply because I was part an amazing team, and not because of myself. knowing that makes me want to try less and not in a. look at me I'm a poor poor child who can't do nothing for themselves...