Who is in the Mirror?

Being non binary sometimes feels like a punishment, not to sound dramatic.
As a child I grew up not really understanding gender norms, didn't help that my mom shopped in the men's shoe section and my dad in the women's pj's section. Gender was always confusing, and for most of my childhood I didn't really understand the difference. Sex ed was my first introduction and first set of answers about how the two sexes are different. I remember sitting in that chair in grade three with all the other people the same sex as me, wondering why we had to be separate and why we couldn't learn together. I understand for the sake of stiffing the snickers and comments, but, why? Wouldn't it have just lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding as we didn't know what puberty did to the opposite sex? Seemed counter-productive; thankfully that was only for the first year of sex ed. The startling confusion and discomfort was when I started my teens part of puberty. I honestly used my puberty stories with answering the questionnaire from the psychologist who got me hormone therapy. At least I can laugh about what caused horror for me in the past, right? 
I was about my mid teens when I went through a massive sexuality and gender questioning period. It was pretty bad, imagine getting your grad outfit figured out and the same night you break down because you wish you could wear the opposite sex outfit? Or, rather, a mix or something I thought of. To be honest I've always been a fan of that pirate, adventurer type of style, where I would mix both feminine and masculine into one outfit. Although. when I was in my teens it was so much easier, in a way. My parents see me as masculine, since there is no gender neutral term in Russian and my brother and I already spent 10+ years explaining mental health and ADHD to my parents, getting them to understand we all have ADHD- that teaching the nonbinary meaning feels a little too out there. You can also say I haven't really tried. Just the big blow up when she found out my new name, and that I was trans-masc, but, my dad took around 5 years before he even used my pronouns- so again, I didn't try to explain the whole non binary thing, but- I don't really have an excuse. We've gone so long without an argument or a disagreement (after all the trauma) I don't want to break the peace. Although it gets hard whenever I present more feminine and I get asked why I don't just "go back." I always am at a loss of words because I don't really know how to explain it, maybe I will soon. That's not really the point of this post. More of the double sided coin of how great and awful it is. 
If you're in the non binary community, you know how welcoming and kind the people are.
It especially adds to my ego when depending on my mood and how I'm presenting, I do get a mix of she and he throughout my regular week. The fellow non binary community usually asks me about my style, if it's someone who just recently came out or is still in the closet; other enbies go "fuck yeah, love it." So, I know that I look how I want to be perceived, but...
If I'm being honest..
I'm not exactly stupid. I know what society I live in and what time I live in amongst what kind of people I'm surrounded by. I'm grateful gen z and millennials are pretty understanding of the nonbinary thing, but gen x and boomers aren't so much. Even then, we all know that not all gen z and millennials are very supportive either. I rent, and I'm also someone who ends up at the doctors office pretty often, especially a new one or with a nurse at urgent care. It's not usually too bad at health care, besides the doctors who make me feel guilty for being something too confusing so they will purposefully call me she/her instead. Then with renting sometimes you don't always luck out with the most favorable roommate situation or landlord. I'm very  grateful for the landlord I currently have, and for my own space where I don't need to share it with others- although the reason of this post is actually because of my downstairs neighbor. It's something stupid that I know I should let go, but its those comments that for some reason stick and hurt the most.
I've had roommates flirt with me in the past, knowing I was non binary, and would say they were straight.... Yeah..
My current downstairs neighbor told me upon the first meet he also has a girlfriend, by the third time it was a way of telling me that he is not available. I told him finally that I'm actually non binary and his instant response was "whatever that is." I explained it means I'm a mix of feminine and masculine and kind of both and nothing. His response to this once again, "but you look feminine to me." 
I ended up going inside after the conversation reached its end and kept just thinking to myself, this was once again another male who was older than me, and not only that but- what was the point of those responses? How was that helpful? I guess I expect a bit too much from 40 years as someone with a 40 year old brother.
It still gets stuck in my head, I shared it with friends and told me they definitely get the "ick" with my downstairs neighbor. In my mentally ill brain, it does take one thing for me to finally get over it and notice all the flaws, all the things I don't like and my anger being enhanced by the max. When you're not offering very good character traits it's hard to like a person, especially when to your identity they say "whatever that means."
The other point, is again about the time and world we live in. I used to be on hormone therapy and I quit a couple years ago when I felt comfortable in my transition-- a couple years later and I want to go back. 
A couple years ago all my OCD nightmares were just nightmares and thoughts; not reality. I'm at a point where if things do go south I can just pretend- 
even though I already know that I will end up on the list that goes 5 feet under, as I am too proud of my identity and wouldn't ever let that be buried. OCD might be one of the most bullshit disorders in this situation. I don't really know how far I wanted to go in my transition but sometimes I do wish to look more masculine and get stuck on people and characters that look the way I want to. 
I guess I'm young enough to say, "hey maybe in the future." But again, is there a future-
It's hard you know? 
In Canada you can put Mx as your title, however they warn you if you do then you restrict yourself from going to most countries. Dare I mention the state of the world again?
I don't wish to be cisgender and heterosexual and allosexual but sometimes, it feels like it would've been the easier route; although that route doesn't really sound like me as my soul doesn't feel like its one or the other, but nothing and everything. I like non binary as my label but sometimes, well.. To be honest? I don't ever really recognize myself in the mirror. Before I end this, don't get me wrong, I don't hate how I look. I'm also afraid of becoming ugly, when I know that, well, not to be stuck up but I consider myself attractive. I know beauty isn't everything but I am so afraid of losing it. 
No ones life is easy, I'm not saying being cisgender, allosexual, hetero, is easy, but in a world that accepts you, but questions me, is where I explain that it's hard. 
I've thought long about if there is any way for all of us to be at peace and happy, and it feels impossible. Love should always win but humans are so hateful.
I like to add a question as a "did you read to the end?"; what is your experience being a non binary person? or, if you're not non binary, what thoughts do you have to share? 

Blessed be, samhain is upon us