I'm not well

I admit, I'm not mentally ok.

I broke up with my first ever serious boyfriend (I never had a serious relationship due to the fact that it was mostly sex until now) this monday and wanted to be friends; I found trust in him because he listened and cared, so I overshared a lot to him, but then he told me to change, which yeah, he was right, but as I said to him, I can't get better from dawn 'til dusk (that's why I go to therapy, a thing he said it was unnecessary to me) because I never had a family that 100% supports me. And after yesterday I sent him a long text about all of the things I'm experiencing and overthinking everyday, he only focused on the sex part and wanted to cut ties with me. And obviously I got mad too and cut ties with him too. 

Now I'm alone and lonely again. I always got all the guilt (especially by my mother) about how I communicate my emotions, being told that I'm childish and selfish, and how I do things. And yeah, it's true, but it's an horrible feeling to be told to "change and be mature". IT MAKES ME MORE MAD THAN SAD! 

Well, honestly I really don't know what to say....

But one thing's for sure, your boyfriend isn't also serious about you.... As you said he's only mostly focused on Sex.

I feel sorry about you about how you mothers treats you with what you're going though....

Your emotions are valid I'd say and I hope you'd get through it.

Some clarifications:

Maybe I didn't specify some parts on this forum entry 'cuz I was pretty mad and had a depressive episode, so I rushed to write it

1. I had a boyfriend in elementary school and a girlfriend in middle school, but those were my pre-teen experiences, my teen experiences, unfortunately, started with a 25yo man on IG... when I was 14; that's the start of everything bad that is still happening now with my romantic (casual or serious) relationships.

2. This relationship I had was really short (almost 3 months) but was serious. It was too good to be true to me that someone (especially a man) really felt a romantic attraction for me, although we were both desperate for a relationship (he never had a girlfriend and I desperately wanted a boyfriend that truly loved me and spent time with me). Unfortunately, due to my paranoias, there were times I heavily argued with him, about problems with my past, that lead me with all the insecurities I have now in relationships. I understand that he didn't want just sex with me, but I didn't believe him nor respected his boudaries, thinking he wanted the girlfriend of his dreams, not the real me. After the break up, I still have remorse for what I did; he teached me a lesson and made me really happy, but I don't force him or anybody to come back in my life, no matter if it was my fault or theirs. I'm used to be alone and lonely after high school.

3. I always thought that if I started therapy earlier, none of this would have happened after middle school. I know I'm not mentally well and I can't keep any relationship (platonic or romanitic) not even for a year, and this makes me lonelier than I am. Plus, due to my mother's bipolar personality, the loss of my paternal grandparents, my extreme daily mood swings and other factors, paranoias and suicidal tendencies became normal to me. I thought that now it's time for a group therapy, and I still hope everything will get better if I finally break down from this agony.

Ok! I know im late on this but, you have to work on yourself genuinely. You clearly want better so you need to work on getting better. Sometimes we get into relationships at a season in our life that is just so rough and we can't focus on one thing. 

I've been in your shoes before, I was groomed and sexually abused as a child by a relative, and I was groomed during my freshman year by an older classmate, I wasn't mentally there and needed love and sex was the only way to get it. When I realized that i needed better, I started to work on myself, getting rid off porn addictions and doing school work instead of obsessing over men who only wanted my body. Not only money but sex can be the root of evil as well. Sex will ruin you if you let that be the only thing that fuels a good relationship.

I used to overthink as well and still do. It's a long painful process of trying to get rid of it. I spent my days in prayer and learned to pause and silence the voice in my head that told me I was not good enough. Sometimes we need to just stay still, and think about if what that voice is telling us is good for us. You can do this, and you can get through it. Trying is def hard but thats what life is all about, experiencing and conquering our iniquities. 

Work on yourself, push away the romance until you know youre gonna be with the right person.

Pause, Think, and Silence the bad thoughts that keep you on your toes consistently.

Our worst enemy is our flesh, but we can overcome that, especially you.