i've been best friends with this girl for a few years now, friends overall since i was 13. we're similar to each other in a way that's feels unreal. she's also affectionate in ways that she isn't with her other close friends, jokingly claiming she wants to marry/kiss me and announcing us like that, pet names, directly said that she viewed me as her #1 best friend - etc etc it's too much to explain. it was logical for me to not assume otherwise, up until a few days ago we had a vulnerable conversation, i revealed how growing up i never felt like someone's first choice, and she replies "i understand the feeling, but that won't always be the case" and goes onto say "i care about you deeply, but i care about my other friends deeply too" and admitted she hesitates calling anyone her best friend/favorite person. she also mentions she wishes she had a platonic soulmate some other times before, but the truth is, if she remains this way, it likely won't happen.
she's avoidant, i've tried to accommodate, and during that same conversation said i was her first friend who she had the clearest communication with and how things are hard for her ,, but i help even if she struggles. this was certainly a bombshell; i've been able to manage this surprisingly better than expected, partly due to me being an adult compared to if this happened when i was younger, but so far i feel a pang of emptiness, i find myself wanting to send tiktoks or yap to her like i usually do, but it feels awkward. so far, she thinks nothing is wrong. how do i cope with this?