throughout most of my life, i've been feeling like i've been mourning a life i never got to live. where my parents stayed together and i grew up around the same people. i feel like such a mess sometimes. i wish i had friends right now i always knew. i wish my life was like in movies, with a friend group, a girlfriend, a promising future, a stable home and everything else.
i know movies aren't real life, but i feel like when i was young i anticipated a life that i never got to live. when i was in high school i had a small friend group, most of them i don't talk to anymore, but i felt so alienated and awkward, and i never really talked with anyone unless they talked to me. i guess you can argue that's normal, but i still feel like i wasted my high school years. that's when my depression really kicked in.
and even though i got a few irl friends (who i'm more than thankful for), i don't go out often. i can't bring myself to be around other people. and therefore, i often search for connections online, even if i can't always trust them (something that happened to me recently proved that, but i digress), i just feel like i wasn't meant to live this life, i was meant to live another life.
when i was still in high school, i still went out with my friends and did stupid things, i suppose i caught a glimpse of the life i wanted to live, but again, i don't talk with them anymore... and even then i felt awkward at times.
i wish i had a big friend group, who would never abandon me and would be willing to play anything with me, to listen to my stupid jokes and listen to all my problems. but i don't. again, i do have irl friends, but it's not a friend group, and they have slightly differing interests than me. don't get me wrong, i'm still very thankful for them, but idk.
i just wish i lived in a timeline where history truly ended after the cold war. the internet boomed but people still lived actual lives, the towers stood standing, and there was peace in the world and everyone was happy. i never truly come to terms that this world doesn't exist. i try to cope and make the best out of things, but it seems i'm still in this hole, waiting for life to get better, waiting to finally be happy and satisfied, but i'm never completely am.
i don't know 100% what i'm on about, i'm really just writing down all my thoughts, but... damn. i just wish my life, past and present, was different.