Advice on how to deal with relative who has dementia?

My grandmother is getting hit hard with dementia. It's not to the point where she is forgetting everything, but she's extremely irritable, not remembering random words (this during almost every conversation I have, not just a one-off thing), forgetting how to do simple tasks like replying to an email, and getting upset at things that are trivial and/or pose a health hazard (ie, throwing out rotten meat, not wanting to eat spoiled food, making colourful bracelets, etc).

Note that I'm really not good at IRL social cues and shifts in attitude. I didn't even know my grandma was beginning to spiral into dementia until my mother pulled me aside and had a talk with me this morning. I've been getting into arguments with her about extremely random things not knowing that she's struggling with this, so I feel really bad now.

I'm leaving for college in the near future, and I want to be there for her while I am still with her, because I know that when I see her next, her condition will be much worse. However, again, as someone who really doesn't pick up on what is her clear thoughts and what is just the irritability and mood shifts that come with dementia, I have no clue on what to do.

Do any of you guys know how to deal with or be there for someone who has dementia? Or how to not be as angry/argumentative towards them? (Sometimes the things that she is irritable about are a hazard to me and my family and we've gotten sick because of it, and I am not sure how I can explain to her that it is not safe without making her become sad for no reason.)

Ive seen online that sometimes distractions can help redirect. It might feel kinda bad "lying", but if it eases stress and upset, that seems like an worthwhile trade off.

 Theres a creator and their content ends up on my page sometimes. It seems helpful, although I'm never around enough to try with my grandma, I'll link a skit that stuck with me.

It's incredibly hard 🫂

I worked in memory care and i learned that the best thing you can do is step into her reality. If she doesn't want to throw away rotten food, tell her you won't and then ask if she wants to do something else. Once she is out of the kitchen, you can throw the food away. It may sound like you're lying to her, but you're not.

The other thing that I will tell you is to take care of yourself. If you are not doing well or are emotionally disregulated, you won't be able to care for your grandma. Find a support group in your area, as well.

I have one relatíve with dementia but unfortunately shes in the retirement house so I dont really interact with her and ive only met her like 15 times in my entire life cause it was really difficult to interrupt with her, anyways. Srry I cant really help, I always tried to avoid having a conversation with her cause I found it scary how she sometimes didnt recognised me or started asking me about "me" as if I was someone else. 

Don't try and "ground" her or "talk some sense", talk with her and act like it's real, you will have a much better time. Telling someone who's brain is stuck at 15 that their parents are long dead and they're 80 is like, Not gonna end well.

My best advice as someone who has worked with a lot of dementia patients and has a mother who works in memory care is to meet her where she's at and to redirect. If she's struggling to have a conversation, you kind of have to talk to her in a unique way or be willing to give a generic response to something that didn't make a lot of sense. As far as the things she's getting really stuck on, don't focus so much on the topic she's arguing about, but redirect the conversation to something else. It's helpful to ask for help with something like folding laundry or running an errand etc. This can help her feel normal, appreciated, and most importantly, distracted. Someone here already linked that creator who makes videos about dementia and she's amazing! I really recommend going on a deep dive through her page!

So sorry you're going through this. </3

I’m really sorry you're going through this, friend! That's majorly difficult, but honestly, the fact that you're recognising what's happening and wanting to be there for her already says a lot.

One thing that might help is trying not to think of every disagreement as something you need to "win" or correct. Dementia can affect judgment, frustration tolerance, communication, and the ability to understand why something that seems obvious to everyone else is important. If she gets upset over something that seems trivial, arguing the logic of it may just make her more distressed.

That said, you don't have to compromise on safety. If she wants to eat spoiled food or do something that could genuinely hurt her or someone else, it's okay to intervene. Sometimes it can help to avoid framing it as "you’re wrong" and instead redirect: “I know you really want that, but let's find something better to eat,” or simply remove the unsafe option if necessary. If something is repeatedly becoming a safety issue, your mom/family should probably be involved in figuring out a consistent approach rather than leaving you to handle it alone.

For the interpersonal stuff, it may help to give yourself a little mental reminder before responding: "She isn’t necessarily giving me a hard time; she may be having a hard time." That doesn't mean you have to tolerate everything or never get frustrated. At the end of the day, you're human, and this is a difficult thing to watch happen to someone you love.

Also, since you're leaving for college, I wouldn't put pressure on yourself to somehow make these last weeks perfect. Spend time with her, do ordinary things she enjoys, listen to her stories, make something together, look at old photos, whatever feels natural. You don’t have to fix the dementia to be there for her.

If your family hasn’t already done so, it's worth making sure her doctor knows about these changes. New or worsening confusion, personality changes, and difficulty with everyday tasks can have causes besides dementia too, some of which are treatable.

Most importantly, please don't beat yourself up for not recognising it sooner. You were reacting to behaviour without having the information needed to understand what was behind it. Now that you know, you can approach things differently. That's what matters 🫂

There's a lot of great advice here from everyone. So I'll just say sorry you're going through this!! I know it's a lot! Take good care of yourself 

My grandma had dementia, and while I'm not gonna repeat everything everyone else has said because it would be redundant (it is all very good advice), I want to extend my condolences. I can tell you that she will chill out over time, but it never gets any easier. Take care 🫂